Cross the Line

"The only thing one can usually change in one's situation is oneself. And yet one can't change that either--only ask Our Lord to do so."

 

 

Today is April 15th, 2017 and tomorrow is Easter.

Crazy thing is, on the 27^th this month; it will have been 5 years since I fully gave my life to Jesus. 

Since I was a little tot I had known of Jesus, and was taught to love Him.

Raised in church, conferences, all the “requirements” that make us appear as Christians.

But, I was still pulled in many directions, like most people.

Distracted, not aware, apathetic to a lot.

In school, dating boys, hanging out with lots of people who were a lot like I was…

Pulled by popularity, drama, relationships, insecurities, and family problems.

Lots of junk.

I had spent a lot of time watching people who were at church conferences who seemed to have some insight I didn’t have yet.

They cried when they prayed and they talked with passion about this man Jesus, who I’d heard a lot about.

I’d heard about Him in Sunday school. I’d heard His named cursed in movies, and I’d seen pictures of Him at  random places.

I knew of Him, but they seemed to have met Him.

I was pulled by wanting to know this man and being distracted by the other things going on in my life for a long time.

I’d been going to conferences since I was 11.

On April 27^th 2012, at 18 years old, I was at a conference and for the first time in my life I encountered someone that was worth walking away from the distractions to fully follow.

My “Cross the line” moment.  im,Hi

How I imagine the disciples, looking up at this Man who says, “Follow Me”.

And without hesitation, they drop their plans, dreams, all the distractions, and follow Him.

They saw something/someone worth following.

And today, the Saturday before Easter, I woke up and helped my mom cook some and then headed to a store to go shopping, only to be half way out of my neighborhood to feel Him tug on my heart.

This tug, I recognized.

Not because its common, but because I’ve felt it a few times.

This tug is a “come away with Me” tug.

It’s a “find the secret place and sit with Me” tug.

An “I miss you” tug.

And I turned around and drove straight back to my house, walked to my room and He was there.

His presence, His love, His overwhelming attendance.

He was there.

Faithful, loving, Kind, Holy, Revered, but most importantly, present.

Jesus, Emmanuel, “God with us”, was/is here.

He is here, as I type this out with hot tears streaming down my face.

Almost 5 years later.

And the same Man I encountered on that hard floor at that conference is still the same Man today that pursues me without any reservations.

I am so thankful for Him.

He desires me, and just like me, He desires you.

I didn’t know how to meet Him the way those kids at conference did.

And I’m positive it’s different for every person.

But He sure did know how to meet me.

And I know He knows how to meet you.

Don’t be surprised when He comes knocking.

Happy Easter, Jesus.

We won’t forget what You did to have unveiled tugs whenever You want.

I love You.

Hands Open

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

C.S. Lewis 1961

  

I read this book a long time ago by Bob Goff titled “Love Does”.

The chapter was titled “Palms Up”. 

Here is an excerpt from it that sums it up:

“But it was Jesus who taught me there was nothing I could really lose if I had Him. He taught me to be palms up, just like He was. Palms up means you have nothing to hide and nothing to gain or lose. Palms up means you are strong enough to be vulnerable, even with your enemies. Even when you have been tremendously wronged. Jesus was palms up, to the end.”

This chapter had a lot of impact in me then. But I didn’t realize that nearly 4 years later the Lord would teach me this lesson but really let it take root this time around.

I feel like for a lot of my life I’ve been pretty tightly clinched to things.

To people, things, my reputation.

But where I’ve felt this lesson the most deeply is with people.

Relationships. People who I wanted to stay.

And if I’m being honest, sometimes people that weren’t “mine to keep”. 

People that I knew the Lord wasn’t putting in my life for me.

But sometimes I’m selfish.

Sometimes I put myself first.

A lot more than I’d like to admit, actually.

I’m learning not to. I’m leaning to be aware of it.

I’m recognizing it.

I may write and talk to my friends about all the good the Lord is doing in me.

But there are places inside me that my fists are clinched tightly around.

Places I don’t like to look at.

Places I don't want people to know are there.

But I feel like the Lord is teaching me this lesson.

I feel the Lords hand.

I feel His hand reaching in and holding my fist that’s so tightly clinched.

My fists are tightly clinched out of fear.

Fear of losing something. Fear of giving something up.

Fear that the Lord won’t provide. That He’s actually not going to finish what He started. Or the desires of my heart, that He’s just not concerned and wont fulfill those.

That maybe, when I let go... that that’s it. 

That there will be no more of whatever it is I was clinched so tightly to.

What has been such a lesson to me is that clinched fists and hands open is a reflection of the position of my heart.

Clinched fists is a result of fear. 

The fear of losing something. 

Clinched fists comes from not trusting the Lord. 

With whatever it is.

And hands open…

That’s trust.

Picture your hand, palm up and opened with something resting on top of it.

It’s accessible for anyone to grab.

It’s basically saying, “Here, if you’d like this, take it.”

It's giving God the freedom to take and give you anything He desires to take or give.

Some days are taking days, and some are giving days.

But I want to live hands open.

It doesn’t mean it’s not painful when my favorite things get taken.

(And don't misunderstand me, His taking of things is not out of some evil intent like sometimes ours is. His thoughts are higher and His ways are different then ours.)

But it does mean that He is always going to fulfill any and every desire in me with Himself or with something or even someone because my heart says, “I trust you”.

Some days I drive home and cry because the taking was painful and I didn’t realize I cared so deeply.

But I cry and tell Him exactly how I feel.

And He heals me. He reaches around my empty hand.

And shows me that even His no is yes to me.

Even when someone isn’t “for me” per say, that the “no” to the wrong person, is actually “yes” to the right one.

That the “no” to the job, is “yes” to the right one later on.

That the “no” to the timing you think,  is “yes” for the right timing.

I’m learning to trust that God has better thoughts and plans about me than I even do about myself.

I’m learning to be hands open.

Counting the Cost

"I want my life to matter. 

I give it away, I give it away."

Heidi Baker

I had a dream two nights ago.

I was at this convention center and someone I was trying to impress was going to be there, but I was in a rush and didn’t get put together, so I was frustrated and didn’t feel cute.

I walked into this conference room and this little 2 or 3 year old boy walked up to me and said “I need to find my mom. Can you help me?” and as he is saying this he looks down and says he has made a mess and he is sorry. He was covered in poop and it was coming out of his diaper. And in my head I was like, “Goodness, I don’t want to get dirty.”

In that moment, it was so heavy.

I was looking at my outfit and then at this sweet little baby boy.

Back and forth, counting the cost.

Get dirty and don’t impress the guy.

Or, get dirty and help the helpless.

To a mom or to someone really awesome, this would be really easy.

No other option. Pick up the kid.

But for me, it was different.

For me, I’ve never had to decide between looking presentable and helping a dirty baby.

I literally felt myself counting the cost.

And I picked up the kid.

I held him an arms length away for a couple seconds and then turned him towards me and put him on my hip.

He was dripping with pee and poop.

I was covered and he was covered in it.

And we began the search to find his mom.

We never found her before I woke up but this dream has been playing back in my head for the last two days.

The counting the cost part is ingrained in my head.

I hope it never leaves.

I think what makes this dream so significant to me is that for the past 3-4 days I have been praying about the cost of following Jesus.

I had been telling God that He was worth everything.

That it was no sacrifice to give Him everything.

I had been sing/screaming at the top of my lungs that that I want to lay it all down.

And in this dream, I was faced with my prayers.

I know this blog isn’t a normal one.

But I pray that you would be overwhelmed with the willingness of Jesus to lay down your reputation, to lay down your titles, to lay down you proper and polished ways of living and pick up those who are covered in their own mess.

Pick up those who are helpless, the orphans, the widows, naturally and spiritually.

Get down with those who are dirty, embarrassed, weak, covered in shame.

Covered in even their own bad decisions, covered in their own consequences.

Embrace those who you see as the least.

Because God, He calls those greatest.

Embrace those, because Jesus embraced you.

Give your life away to those people.