Hands Open

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.”

C.S. Lewis 1961

  

I read this book a long time ago by Bob Goff titled “Love Does”.

The chapter was titled “Palms Up”. 

Here is an excerpt from it that sums it up:

“But it was Jesus who taught me there was nothing I could really lose if I had Him. He taught me to be palms up, just like He was. Palms up means you have nothing to hide and nothing to gain or lose. Palms up means you are strong enough to be vulnerable, even with your enemies. Even when you have been tremendously wronged. Jesus was palms up, to the end.”

This chapter had a lot of impact in me then. But I didn’t realize that nearly 4 years later the Lord would teach me this lesson but really let it take root this time around.

I feel like for a lot of my life I’ve been pretty tightly clinched to things.

To people, things, my reputation.

But where I’ve felt this lesson the most deeply is with people.

Relationships. People who I wanted to stay.

And if I’m being honest, sometimes people that weren’t “mine to keep”. 

People that I knew the Lord wasn’t putting in my life for me.

But sometimes I’m selfish.

Sometimes I put myself first.

A lot more than I’d like to admit, actually.

I’m learning not to. I’m leaning to be aware of it.

I’m recognizing it.

I may write and talk to my friends about all the good the Lord is doing in me.

But there are places inside me that my fists are clinched tightly around.

Places I don’t like to look at.

Places I don't want people to know are there.

But I feel like the Lord is teaching me this lesson.

I feel the Lords hand.

I feel His hand reaching in and holding my fist that’s so tightly clinched.

My fists are tightly clinched out of fear.

Fear of losing something. Fear of giving something up.

Fear that the Lord won’t provide. That He’s actually not going to finish what He started. Or the desires of my heart, that He’s just not concerned and wont fulfill those.

That maybe, when I let go... that that’s it. 

That there will be no more of whatever it is I was clinched so tightly to.

What has been such a lesson to me is that clinched fists and hands open is a reflection of the position of my heart.

Clinched fists is a result of fear. 

The fear of losing something. 

Clinched fists comes from not trusting the Lord. 

With whatever it is.

And hands open…

That’s trust.

Picture your hand, palm up and opened with something resting on top of it.

It’s accessible for anyone to grab.

It’s basically saying, “Here, if you’d like this, take it.”

It's giving God the freedom to take and give you anything He desires to take or give.

Some days are taking days, and some are giving days.

But I want to live hands open.

It doesn’t mean it’s not painful when my favorite things get taken.

(And don't misunderstand me, His taking of things is not out of some evil intent like sometimes ours is. His thoughts are higher and His ways are different then ours.)

But it does mean that He is always going to fulfill any and every desire in me with Himself or with something or even someone because my heart says, “I trust you”.

Some days I drive home and cry because the taking was painful and I didn’t realize I cared so deeply.

But I cry and tell Him exactly how I feel.

And He heals me. He reaches around my empty hand.

And shows me that even His no is yes to me.

Even when someone isn’t “for me” per say, that the “no” to the wrong person, is actually “yes” to the right one.

That the “no” to the job, is “yes” to the right one later on.

That the “no” to the timing you think,  is “yes” for the right timing.

I’m learning to trust that God has better thoughts and plans about me than I even do about myself.

I’m learning to be hands open.