Knotted stomach, tears
forming, attempting to tighten my grip to reach for security.
I’ve been praying some bold
prayers lately.
Bold prayers like,
“Lord expose my
heart, search me and know me, try me and lead me in the right way.
Make me
hungry.
Give me Your heart.
Expose lies I’ve believed.
Speak truth over me.”
Prayers that could be painful.
Prayers that could make you
reevaluate the way you’ve thought for years.
But also, prayers that could heal
you, make you whole, and make you like Jesus.
I’ve recently had the honor of
meeting a very impactful person who is now a dear friend.
Her name is Rebekah.
She’s someone who I immediately
wanted to know and be friends with.
She has this thing about her,
where you know she loves Jesus and is indeed aware of His love for her.
Well, Rebekah and I have been
hanging out and sharing our lives with one another the last 2 months of so.
She’s someone who can just kind of
feel things out and knows deep down what’s going on.
Behind what you actually say, she
sees what you’re REALLY saying.
And for me, this has been a game
changer, because normally I’m the one who can dig into people’s hearts and find
out what’s going on.
Well, she’s called me out on a few
things.
And it hurt, kind of, but I knew
it was absolutely what needed to be said.
Always recognize,
When something stands out to you
more than normal—that it’s probably something the Lord has His hand on in your
life and when He puts His hand on something—He’s also giving you the grace to
deal with it and get healing in that area.
His hand on it is an invitation of
seeing what He says about that specific area of your life.
And for me, that thing was men.
It’s embarrassing.
It’s humiliating.
It really is.
But I really want healing in my
heart.
Especially in this place.
There is this sense of comfort I
have when I have a guy friend.
A friend who I kind of dig but
also don’t want to “commit” to.
The safe feeling of having someone
who wants me.
Who is there to tell you how great
you are.
Especially when you are really
hard on yourself and see your imperfections way more than anything else, and
need someone to reaffirm the things that you don’t believe about yourself.
I think I like having them because its like I have someone who really sees the gold in me and will tell me, who
will constantly affirm me.
Especially when I don’t even
really believe it myself.
And it’s easy, to have them close
enough on a string that they think you’re great, but also far enough away that
they don’t see who you really are, underneath the facet of "perfection".
Because for me, if someone ever gets close
enough, that when they see me, and really see me, if they walk away…
For whatever reason, healthy or
not, it feels like they are saying,
“I’m sorry but you’re not good
enough,”
Now, I know that’s not what they
may be saying, but for me, that’s definitely what I felt like.
Every. Single. Time.
It was this overwhelming lie I was entangled in.
I’m being super vulnerable.
And I know that there are girls
and guys out there that play this game, too.
That really if they sat down for a
few minutes in silence, asking the Lord to put His hand on things, that they
would soon realize that they are using boys/girls to be their security, to
reassure them that they are attractive, wanted, and really… worthy of love.
And that maybe they also have been
in this same moment as me once, unsure of why their stomach was in knots, feeling uneasy, why they wanted to tighten their grip and force someone to stay.
I was having a conversation with a
pretty new friend and I felt all of those emotions swell up in me, that at any moment that they were just going to walk
away.
All of a sudden I felt extremely
insecure and exposed.
I couldn't say anything.
I couldn't make them stay.
As if for the first time I was seeing
how tight I hold on to people for security, for love, for affirmation that I’m
good enough.
I had no idea that underneath my
clinging grip was a girl just begging for someone to say, “You’re good enough.
Alone. You. Without a man, without anyone. You wrapped up in Jesus. You are
good enough. You are worthy of love. You are valued.”
I didn’t know that in the middle
of my clinging I believed a lie “That if people stick around, if people still
want me, if they still like me, that I’m good enough.”
That really, Jesus’s choosing me,
hasn’t really quite convinced me I’m worthy and good enough.
So in my feeble attempt to feed
that place, I’ve been reaching to men.
And Jesus is extending His hand to
show me how worthy and valued I am.
Especially in my mess.
Especially in your mess.
He is reaching out, extending His
hand, to reveal how He sees us and how deep our value is because of Him.
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."
Psalms 139:13-16
