Tightened Grip

Knotted stomach, tears forming, attempting to tighten my grip to reach for security.

 

 

I’ve been praying some bold prayers lately.

Bold prayers like, 

“Lord expose my heart, search me and know me, try me and lead me in the right way. 

Make me hungry. 

Give me Your heart. 

Expose lies I’ve believed. 

Speak truth over me.”

Prayers that could be painful.

Prayers that could make you reevaluate the way you’ve thought for years.

But also, prayers that could heal you, make you whole, and make you like Jesus.

I’ve recently had the honor of meeting a very impactful person who is now a dear friend.

Her name is Rebekah.

She’s someone who I immediately wanted to know and be friends with.

She has this thing about her, where you know she loves Jesus and is indeed aware of His love for her.

Well, Rebekah and I have been hanging out and sharing our lives with one another the last 2 months of so.

She’s someone who can just kind of feel things out and knows deep down what’s going on.

Behind what you actually say, she sees what you’re REALLY saying.

And for me, this has been a game changer, because normally I’m the one who can dig into people’s hearts and find out what’s going on.

Well, she’s called me out on a few things.

And it hurt, kind of, but I knew it was absolutely what needed to be said.

Always recognize,

When something stands out to you more than normal—that it’s probably something the Lord has His hand on in your life and when He puts His hand on something—He’s also giving you the grace to deal with it and get healing in that area.

His hand on it is an invitation of seeing what He says about that specific area of your life. 

And for me, that thing was men.

It’s embarrassing.

It’s humiliating.

It really is.

But I really want healing in my heart. 

Especially in this place.

There is this sense of comfort I have when I have a guy friend.

A friend who I kind of dig but also don’t want to “commit” to.

The safe feeling of having someone who wants me.

Who is there to tell you how great you are.

Especially when you are really hard on yourself and see your imperfections way more than anything else, and need someone to reaffirm the things that you don’t believe about yourself.

I think I like having them because its like I have someone who really sees the gold in me and will tell me, who will constantly affirm me.

Especially when I don’t even really believe it myself.

And it’s easy, to have them close enough on a string that they think you’re great, but also far enough away that they don’t see who you really are, underneath the facet of "perfection".

Because for me, if someone ever gets close enough, that when they see me, and really see me, if they walk away…

For whatever reason, healthy or not, it feels like they are saying,

“I’m sorry but you’re not good enough,”

Now, I know that’s not what they may be saying, but for me, that’s definitely what I felt like.

Every. Single. Time.

It was this overwhelming lie I was entangled in.

I’m being super vulnerable.

And I know that there are girls and guys out there that play this game, too.

That really if they sat down for a few minutes in silence, asking the Lord to put His hand on things, that they would soon realize that they are using boys/girls to be their security, to reassure them that they are attractive, wanted, and really… worthy of love.

And that maybe they also have been in this same moment as me once, unsure of why their stomach was in knots, feeling uneasy, why they wanted to tighten their grip and force someone to stay.

I was having a conversation with a pretty new friend and I felt all of those emotions swell up in me, that at any moment that they were just going to walk away.

All of a sudden I felt extremely insecure and exposed.

I couldn't say anything.

I couldn't make them stay.

As if for the first time I was seeing how tight I hold on to people for security, for love, for affirmation that I’m good enough.

I had no idea that underneath my clinging grip was a girl just begging for someone to say, “You’re good enough. Alone. You. Without a man, without anyone. You wrapped up in Jesus. You are good enough. You are worthy of love. You are valued.”

I didn’t know that in the middle of my clinging I believed a lie “That if people stick around, if people still want me, if they still like me, that I’m good enough.”

That really, Jesus’s choosing me, hasn’t really quite convinced me I’m worthy and good enough.

So in my feeble attempt to feed that place, I’ve been reaching to men.

And Jesus is extending His hand to show me how worthy and valued I am.

Especially in my mess.

Especially in your mess.

He is reaching out, extending His hand, to reveal how He sees us and how deep our value is because of Him.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

Psalms 139:13-16