Fall in love with someone who will hold you to every standard you've ever set
I've been single for 4 years.
Off and on cycles of "non-committed" relationships.
The non-titled ones. Full of non-answers and avoidance.
All my fault.
I was scared and didn't ever want to attach myself to someone I wasn't fully convinced was mine.
Its kind of funny, how I always have known that when I know, I'll know that I know that I know.
But all while this time was passing, I've kissed boys.
And it's easy to become numb doing something you've always done.
Even when you regretted it or felt guilty afterwards.
But when stuck in a cycle of thinking and routine, it's easy to lose sight of the significance of something so intimate.
A little while ago one of my friends asked my mom for permission to pursue me.
While in this quest I had a really emotional moment.
Or more like a meltdown with God.
At first I was talking to God, or more like sobbing to God, just talking about how I was afraid of relationships and just kept going and going on how it was a fear and in the middle of my rant... God just stopped me and explained to my heart without words that it wasn't fear that was scaring me but it was this deep, beautiful, terrifying, peaceful, serious value and significance of a relationship that I had grown to have after 4 years of avoiding giving my heart to someone.
I had in my past been so abrupt and quick to jump into a relationship with someone that I forgot the value of relationships.
And 4 years after being out of one and avoiding it, I've realized that I've grown to have this deep connection with God and His desire and input of my next relationship.
I have set some boundaries that I really felt like God has told me to set.
Ones that aren't "hard" to follow, but they're just frustrating when you've been okay with doing these things for so long.
And after explaining my boundaries, God began to unfold to me that just as relationships are this important to me that I melt down when I feel threatened, He wants me to also feel that way with kissing, holding hands, and every other action of love.
All of those physical things that we overlook hold places in our spirits that words can't explain and minds can't comprehend.
And to step on those and see them as common...
Is something I never want to do anymore.
I think we should step back and look at the standards and boundaries we have in our life and really ask God if we've overstepped where God is taking us or if we've moved out of emotions and flesh.
I think more often then not, we do.
I don't want to do that.
I want to savor these moments for someone who will be a piece of me for my entire life.
I want to lock things away that no one but that one person can ever experience.
I want to have emotions and feelings that only he can touch.
Places that only he can go.
Thoughts that only he has access to.
To be someone with depth.
That's my desire.
