under pressure

I've been feeling the pressure.

These past couple of days I’ve been really struggling in my mind with feelings of rejection, and being offended, and knowing that that’s not my identity in God, that that’s not who I am, I’ve been fighting back with scripture that I know about these things. 

And on my daily phone call with my mom this morning God reminded me of a prayer that I had prayed a couple of days ago.

I was praying and asking God to take me deeper.

Deeper in my relationship with Him, to not just “maintain” what I have, but to dig and reach another spring and then keep digging for more, to be hungry and thirsty for Him.

As I’m praying to go deeper, He begins to unfold the Ocean to me.

When in the ocean, the deeper you go, the more pressure is applied and there are places that the pressure is so great that you will die; your bones with be crushed, your lungs will be crushed.

When I say die, I mean, death in the flesh. To humble yourself, to kill your pride, to say “Lower still, Lord” to not lash out, to not hit back, to turn the other cheek, and not put up a wall of “I’m going to reject you first, so that you can’t hurt me”, but to acknowledge the pain you feel and recognize your need for Jesus.

And He began to really show me that the deeper I’m willing to go, that more pressure will be applied to me and I’ll have to die.

The liquids inside of me, or my “flesh” will fight to keep the pressure from crushing me, but it will be so great that it won’t be able to stand.

And this is very true for our walk with God, He tells us that we have to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him.

To deny our self, to be willing to go so deep that our bones and lungs are crushed and we die. Our flesh has to die. Pride, anger, jealousy, envy, bitterness, these things have to die.

To take up our cross; to deal with the pressures of this world, and handle them with all humility and love, and cling to the greatest gift to us, Jesus.

To follow Him.

Like the Ocean, the farther down you go, the darker it gets and you can no longer see. You have to be willing to follow Him, no matter the cost, no matter the fear of the unknown.

To trust that He will lead, even in the darkest, most painful moments of pressure.

Pressure is hard, but it produces the oil.

It produces the character, the love, the joy, and the true happiness.

It will kill our flesh.

It makes us see our true selves.

Often times, when I react out of pressure, I see my true heart.

And when exposed, it’s not pretty.

But it sure does bring me to utter dependence on God.

For the Blood of Jesus to wash me clean and take away every selfish desire.

There is nothing in me that is beautiful, but Jesus.

He is the beauty, the bright and morning star.

Let the pressure be applied, because when it's applied, you begin to look like Jesus.

cloudy vision

I am so pumped for fall to be here.

Obviously I’m enjoying the now, of course.

BUT CAN WE JUST SAY, 

pumpkin spiced everything, cinnamon sprinkled everything, and sweater covered everything.

Not to mention, fashion is at its all time high, the night skies are clear and the stars are begging to be looked at, and the events are beautiful; from bonfires, to camping, to all the holidays that are packaged to bring together families and friends.

I literally get so excited I can’t handle it.

I even have the urge to dress like an elf and wear Christmas colors and jewelry all winter long.

It’s slightly embarrassing. Oh well.

 





     

But, I really love this time of year because I really love the atmosphere change.

In my surrounding group of friends, we speak of “seasons” as in where you can be located spiritually in your walk with God, and sometimes Winter has a harsh connotation behind it, simply because well… it’s pretty cold and nothing bears fruit. 

(Except those random things that go unnoticed.)

But, what I realized is that the skies are clearer and the stars shine brighter than ever.

Sometimes the humidity clouds our perception of things.

We have all the moisture and “the high” of the spring/summer.

And then when it’s stripped away we have this dry and barren place in us that we have to keep sowing seeds for the next summer/spring. 

And if we’re not careful we’ll lose sight of the stars and look down and forget that they are there reminding us of Him. 

And in that place, sometimes it leaves us thinking that God has forgotten about us, but look:

 “Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. “

Isaiah 40:26

Don’t be alarmed in the seasons that feel dry and barren, because that is the time that the stars come out to remind us that He who started a good work, is faithful to complete it.

p.s. Yes,  that is my roommate in a onesie. 
A leopard one.

Transitions

As some of you know, I’m in ministry school.

And to say the least, transitioning out of summer and moving back to the glorious state of Alabama, I’ve been extremely busy and have neglected my fashion blog.

My apologies.

But, our first day of school was today, and now I’m on a more stable schedule and will make time for this once again, so don’t stop visiting! 
I'll be back posting again in no time!

Deep Standards

 Fall in love with someone who will hold you to every standard you've ever set

 




 

I've been single for 4 years. 
Off and on cycles of "non-committed" relationships. 
The non-titled ones. Full of non-answers and avoidance. 
All my fault. 
I was scared and didn't ever want to attach myself to someone I wasn't fully convinced was mine.
Its kind of funny, how I always have known that when I know, I'll know that I know that I know.
But all while this time was passing, I've kissed boys. 
And it's easy to become numb doing something you've always done. 
Even when you regretted it or felt guilty afterwards.
But when stuck in a cycle of thinking and routine, it's easy to lose sight of the significance of something so intimate.
A little while ago one of my friends asked my mom for permission to pursue me.
While in this quest I had a really emotional moment. 
Or more like a meltdown with God. 
At first I was talking to God, or more like sobbing to God, just talking about how I was afraid of relationships and just kept going and going on how it was a fear and in the middle of my rant... God just stopped me and explained to my heart without words that it wasn't fear that was scaring me but it was this deep, beautiful, terrifying, peaceful, serious value and significance of a relationship that I had grown to have after 4 years of avoiding giving my heart to someone.
I had in my past been so abrupt and quick to jump into a relationship with someone that I forgot the value of relationships. 
And 4 years after being out of one and avoiding it, I've realized that I've grown to have this deep connection with God and His desire and input of my next relationship.
I have set some boundaries that I really felt like God has told me to set.
Ones that aren't "hard" to follow, but they're just frustrating when you've been okay with doing these things  for so long.
And after explaining my boundaries, God began to unfold to me that just as relationships are this important to me that I melt down when I feel threatened, He wants me to also feel that way with kissing, holding hands, and every other action of love.
All of those physical things that we overlook hold places in our spirits that words can't explain and minds can't comprehend.
And to step on those and see them as common... 

Is something I never want to do anymore.

I think we should step back and look at the standards and boundaries we have in our life and really ask God if we've overstepped where God is taking us or if we've moved out of emotions and flesh.
I think more often then not, we do.

I don't want to do that.
I want to savor these moments for someone who will be a piece of me for my entire life.
I want to lock things away that no one but that one person can ever experience.
I want to have emotions and feelings that only he can touch.
Places that only he can go.
Thoughts that only he has access to.

To be someone with depth.
That's my desire.

Fight

As some of you all know, I’m an overcomer of food addiction.

And as those of you who have ever overcome something, you also know that sometimes it can sneak attack and try to overtake you again.

And you fight.

So, this weekend has been one of those. It’s been a fighting weekend.

It started on my way out of town on a trip to minister.

Isn’t it ironic how the moments we need to have clean pathways to hear the Lord the enemy comes to cloud and confuse? Not really.

It’s obvious. He isn’t sly.

Well. I was being attacked by this, and I stumbled a couple times, but I got back up and repented and then would have peace again.

But, throughout this whole weekend, I was praying and really seeking God for break through.

And Sunday morning, we have prayer at my church from 9-10 AM before the service starts, and I was on my way to prayer, and I was just talking to God while on my way and He said something that really opened my eyes.

He said, “I don’t tell you not to sin because it’s against what I say (although it is, and that should be enough), but because sin causes separation from Me.”

“Behold, the LORD'S hand is not so short that it cannot save; nor is His ear so dull that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden His face from you so that He does not hear.”

Isaiah 59:1-2

Now, “separation from God” as in… a cloudy lens to look through, a distance, a lack of awareness of His nearness… those type separations.

Not severed from Him completely.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39

That’s just beautiful all by itself.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my friend Makenzie, and she was talking about someone she knows and how that person was sharing how they had felt like they were following a list of rules concerning following the Lord and Makenzie was telling me how she responded, and she said, 

“That’s not how it should be at all, we don’t not sin because we’re told not to, but because the idea of hurting the Fathers heart should hurt us.” 

And that’s so real, even to this whole situation.

To every cycle, every addiction, every desire or slant to want to sin; it shouldn’t be about the feeling obligated not to sin, but the desire to be so near to God that the idea of having the slightest distance, the slightest withdraw of His voice, the slightest pull from His nearness, that it should completely push us in the opposite direction of sin.

It’s like this phrase I heard once that I use to talk about sexual purity.

My thing isn’t how close to the line can I get without pushing my boundaries, but how far away from the line can I get.

I hear about people who can kiss and whatnot while dating and they are okay with that, and that’s totally fine if that’s what you feel is your conviction, but because of my past and my heart, I’d rather not kiss at all then maybe stumble into going further.

Why chance the distance? 

Why chance the numbness to His presence?

Because, let me tell you. 

If you have ever experienced His nearness, you would never want to experience His distance.

And if you’d ever heard His voice, you’d never want to chance His silence.

And if you’ve ever felt His love, you’d never want to numb that.

That good thing, that simply has no name, because it’s just that holy.

It is just that perfect.