Alive

I fell in love with a Man, the spring of my senior year.

And when I did… things changed forever.

I encountered this Man who over these few years, has been showing Himself to me little by little.

He’s the most intriguing person I’ve ever had the honor to know.

He reached into my safe planned out life and changed everything.

I went from a little girl imprisoned by walls I had put up from lies, brokenness, and abandonment.

My walls were thick, so no one could get through them.

To “protect” myself.

I was entangled in lies and bound by fear.

And one day, a random day at a conference sitting on a hard floor, as tears began to form in my eyes and roll down my cheeks, my prison walls began to fall and my heart that had been hardened by rejection, turned to mush and collapsed in this overwhelming presence of love.

I crossed a line that day.

A line that would change my life forever.

I had gone to church my whole life, but I didn't know Jesus. 

And that day, I encountered a Man I'd never met.

I surrendered my life to that Man that day.

 His name is Jesus Christ.

It didn't look perfect, and it still doesn't.

But I wouldn't change a thing.

It was the best decision i've ever made in my entire life.

It changed my life.

He changed my life.

I've never met someone so beautiful, so satisfying, so true, so loyal, and everything He ever promised to be. 

He is exactly who He says He is.

Thank You, Jesus, for dying on that cross so many years ago for me.

For reaching into my overtaking darkness and pulling me out.

Thank You, Father, for adoption.

And Thank You, Holy Spirit, for your friendship, guidance, counsel, peace, and joy in my life.

Rose of Sharon, Bright and Morning star, You are the lover of my soul.

“Oh, what joy for those

    whose disobedience is forgiven,

    whose sin is put out of sight!

Yes, what joy for those

    whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt,

    whose lives are lived in complete honesty!

When I refused to confess my sin,

    my body wasted away,

    and I groaned all day long.

Day and night your hand of discipline was heavy on me.

    My strength evaporated like water in the summer heat.

Finally, I confessed all my sins to you

    and stopped trying to hide my guilt.

I said to myself, “I will confess my rebellion to the Lord.”

    And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone.”

Psalm 32:1-5

Temperaments?

Introverts or Extroverts

This past week I was hanging with one of my friends and we were having a conversation about things going on in life and the things the Lord has been working in us and we ended up talking about personality types and I was reminded of something the Lord did in me.

There are personalities.

Like, Melancholy, Choleric, Sanguine, and Phlegmatic.

Check it out if you don’t know.

It’s really interesting.

Well, when I found out I was a Choleric/Melancholy, or when I realized that personalities even had I type, I clung to that and allowed myself to conform to that personality type rather than let God form me into someone that a type just followed.

Ultimately, this all caused a lot of conflict in my soul. Since I had put this label on myself, I wanted to do everything to make myself exactly that, but I was miserable.

My soul was reaching out for love and affection but I had this personality face, which told me that I was introverted, bossy, and a deep thinker.

Which, is true, but also created this place in me where I began to use it as an excuse to be inconsiderate.

And although it’s true, it doesn’t give me an excuse to be a jerk.

If I am choleric, which says they are impatient, and I’m full of Holy Spirit, and one of the gifts of Holy Spirit are patience, then I have lost my excuse.

And honestly, regardless of every defect to our character, if we have Jesus in our lives, we are no longer living to our own selfish ways and desires anyways.

We are dead to ourselves and alive to God.

To say, “I’m this personality type so I can or can’t do this” is a lousy excuse to be a jerk.

I was sitting in my room upstairs one day and everyone was outside having fun in the snow, and I opened my bible, as I was thinking about how

“Introverted” I was being and was like, “Lord I’m here”. 

And truthfully, I had my nose stuck in the air with pride because of it.

And He told me to go outside and be with people.

It was then that I realized whatever I had thought about myself didn’t matter.

The longer I was selfish with how and what I wanted to do, I’d be miserable. 

And the only time I’d be truly fulfilled, is when doing things with people I love, even if I don’t like what I’m doing.

I ended up loving every minute of it and my heart tank was full of love that night.

Now, don’t go do something against what Jesus would do/say/or taught, to be with people you love.

That’s just ignorant.

But, get over your idea of how you think you’re supposed to be.

Get over what everyone has said you are.

Get over the labels you want to fill, they’re not real anyways.

Get over the fears of doing something you don’t want to do.

Get over yourself.

And go out and be with people you love,

With people who love you.

With people you want to love.

With people you don’t know.

Go do things you’d never do.

Even if you’re scared.

Even if you’re insecure in the moment.

Step out and embrace life.

It’s scary to do things you’ve never done before.

Oh but the thrill and the satisfaction that comes with sacrificial love

Is worth every drop.

Expectations

Love is what?

Lately the Lord has been taking me back to a time where He was teaching me about 1 Corinthians 13, the chapter known for being the love chapter.

When He last took me here I was going through a weird transition in a relationship. I had the opportunity to be hurt and angry but I wanted to understand what love really looked like, biblically. I wanted to not react emotionally, but to handle it rightly.

In this season, I found out that love was a lot different than I had assumed but a lot more fulfilling.

The scripture says,

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never ends.”

There is one particular statement in this scripture that transformed the way that I love and it is, “Love does not insist on its own way”.

When I read that, it blew my mind.

Now, we can all be super spiritual and say, well duh I know that.

But that hit home to me, it was an exploding revelation in my heart.

To not insist on my own way.

That’s not that simple.

When I read that I just saw, “is not selfish”.

That’s how I saw it.

Even when not getting my own way, I still should respond in love.

Sometimes it hurts to choose to love when someone doesn’t love you back like you want them to, or doesn’t respond the way you want them to, but the moment you choose to love regardless of their response, the weight is lifted off your shoulders and you are free.

To not insist on your own way changes everything about love.

It makes it sacrificial.

Not about yourself.

But about the other person.

This past week the Lord brought me back to this.

I got disappointed because I had set some expectations and they didn’t turn out how I wanted them to.

And He was showing me that for me to place my expectations on people and then get angry because they don’t get met isn’t “not insisting on my own way”, but it’s saying that if this situations isn’t done my way, I’m have every right to be angry.

That’s not how relationships with any human being works.

We can’t be hurt when people don’t meet our expectations, and if you think about that, it’s almost ridiculous to assume people will meet our expectations to begin with.

Now, don’t stop setting standards and expectations.

Just learn that if someone doesn’t meet them, it doesn’t mean they are in the wrong.

And it doesn’t give you the right to be angry with them.

Simply talk it out.

That's just too good.

I don’t have to be all bent out of shape because MY expectations weren’t met.

 That set me free, friends.