Risk

Risk.

Such a terrifyingly beautiful thing.

I’ve spent a great amount of time analyzing my relationships, my issues, my faults, my wrongs, my assumptions, and my reactions.

And I’ve still yet to scratch the surface of relationships.

They are so vast and beautiful, so complex yet so simple.

 A few days ago in Morning Prayer, my class and I were told to write down 5 things that we desired more than anything, and to declare and pray for those things.

One of the things I wrote down was that mindsets of relationships (all, not just opposite sex ones) would be broken down and that I would have clarity and revelation on them.

So, I prayed for that, truly believing that God would answer.

Well, as the day continued on I was constantly thinking of this prayer and God was constantly speaking to me concerning relationships, and even to the point where I had to write down things in my Notes on my phone so I wouldn’t forget.

The next day came, and I began to have feelings I had felt 4 years ago when I was in a horrible relationship—feelings of rejection, lack of control, and feelings of being weak.

God began to tell me that I couldn’t respond to new people the way I would have to past people, because everyone has different motives and intentions.

I’ve learned that in this dating world we all play this game in relationships; we have the girls who won’t text a guy first, or we wait for however long before we respond and so on.

But that’s not a realistic relationship; it’s putting up this image of your self that isn’t true.

I’m not saying that all girls should go and pursue the man, because I definitely think the man should pursue the lady.

But, I also don’t think you should play so hard to get, that who YOU ARE gets lost and you start pretending to be someone who you really aren’t.

Communicate.

Be vulnerable.

Be yourself.

It’s scary, yes. But love is so worth it.

It’s the only thing actually worth it.

Love.

What if it turns out good and works out?

And don’t even forget, that the things you learn from the experience are worth every ounce of fear that you face.

Even if you get rejected, the growth you experience is worth it.

Now, obviously, remember to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23), and remember not to awaken love until it is ready (Song of Solomon 2:7).

But, also don’t react simply from the fear of the past that you freeze something with great potential.

God is so good.

He began to expose the fear in my heart of letting someone close, simply because I was assuming they were like someone I was hurt by.

We have to know that everyone is different and love is risky.

It’s beautiful.

Jesus risked it with us.

We should do the same.

Learning not to Settle

Sometimes loneliness happens and those are the days we have to learn to not run into those people who we've ever felt wanted by. 

We can't settle for just wanted.

    

This past weekend I was in Huntsville at a women’s conference, and while I was there, my friend and I were talking and she said something that really impacted me, and I think it will impact you all as well.

She said, “I’m staying at this host home, and I’m staying in the son’s room (he wasn’t there), and on his walls are scriptures and all over his room are books about God and growth in God and next to his bed is a sermon written out about porn and breakthrough. And as I’m sitting in the room completely saturated in the presence of God looking around God says to me, ‘You wait for this.’” 

God was telling her to wait for a man who has completely surrounded himself with God and has a passion for the more of God.

When she said that, it just exploded on the inside of me.

Well, that night I’m sitting on my couch at home, and I had just opened my bible and began to Song of Solomon, and this scripture came alive to me, 

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, by the gazelles or the does of the field, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

I’ve always read that and been like, OKAY DON’T TALK TO OR PURSUE LOVE UNTIL YOUR READY… and yes, that’s true, but I never went to the next portion of that scripture.

But, look just a little longer

“Who is this coming out of the wilderness
like pillars of smoke, 
perfumed with myrrh and frankincense, 
with all the merchant’s fragrant powders?
Behold, it is Solomon’s couch, 
with sixty valiant men around it, 
of the valiant of Israel.
They all hold swords, 
being expert in war. 
Every man has his sword on his thigh
because of fear in the night.”

When you wait to awaken love, not much longer comes this person out of the wilderness (place of process) like pillars of smoke PERFUMED with myrrh and frankincense with all the merchants fragrant powders…

Frankincense: it was the resin from a tree. It was obtained by cutting the bark of the tree and letting the resin harden. It was then ground into a powder. Though it tasted bitter, it was known for how freely it burned, leaving nothing behind. This is symbolic of a life of holiness and righteousness and being sold out to the Lord.

Myrrh: It symbolizes suffering, trials, tribulations, and afflictions. The church of Smyrna is known as the “Suffering Church”. This makes sense when one realizes that the name “Smyrna” comes from myrrh.

When I read that, it wasn’t to take away from the obvious representation of Jesus to the bride, I absolutely believe that.

But I also see that on earth, you don’t awaken love too soon or you won’t be ready to look up and see the man/woman coming up from the wilderness drenched in the LORD, or the great merchants powders, like a pillar of smoke, burning for the LORD and righteous and experienced.

Don’t awaken love until it pleases.

(http://whispersofthespirit.com/gold_frankincense_and_myrrh.html)

under pressure

I've been feeling the pressure.

These past couple of days I’ve been really struggling in my mind with feelings of rejection, and being offended, and knowing that that’s not my identity in God, that that’s not who I am, I’ve been fighting back with scripture that I know about these things. 

And on my daily phone call with my mom this morning God reminded me of a prayer that I had prayed a couple of days ago.

I was praying and asking God to take me deeper.

Deeper in my relationship with Him, to not just “maintain” what I have, but to dig and reach another spring and then keep digging for more, to be hungry and thirsty for Him.

As I’m praying to go deeper, He begins to unfold the Ocean to me.

When in the ocean, the deeper you go, the more pressure is applied and there are places that the pressure is so great that you will die; your bones with be crushed, your lungs will be crushed.

When I say die, I mean, death in the flesh. To humble yourself, to kill your pride, to say “Lower still, Lord” to not lash out, to not hit back, to turn the other cheek, and not put up a wall of “I’m going to reject you first, so that you can’t hurt me”, but to acknowledge the pain you feel and recognize your need for Jesus.

And He began to really show me that the deeper I’m willing to go, that more pressure will be applied to me and I’ll have to die.

The liquids inside of me, or my “flesh” will fight to keep the pressure from crushing me, but it will be so great that it won’t be able to stand.

And this is very true for our walk with God, He tells us that we have to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Him.

To deny our self, to be willing to go so deep that our bones and lungs are crushed and we die. Our flesh has to die. Pride, anger, jealousy, envy, bitterness, these things have to die.

To take up our cross; to deal with the pressures of this world, and handle them with all humility and love, and cling to the greatest gift to us, Jesus.

To follow Him.

Like the Ocean, the farther down you go, the darker it gets and you can no longer see. You have to be willing to follow Him, no matter the cost, no matter the fear of the unknown.

To trust that He will lead, even in the darkest, most painful moments of pressure.

Pressure is hard, but it produces the oil.

It produces the character, the love, the joy, and the true happiness.

It will kill our flesh.

It makes us see our true selves.

Often times, when I react out of pressure, I see my true heart.

And when exposed, it’s not pretty.

But it sure does bring me to utter dependence on God.

For the Blood of Jesus to wash me clean and take away every selfish desire.

There is nothing in me that is beautiful, but Jesus.

He is the beauty, the bright and morning star.

Let the pressure be applied, because when it's applied, you begin to look like Jesus.

cloudy vision

I am so pumped for fall to be here.

Obviously I’m enjoying the now, of course.

BUT CAN WE JUST SAY, 

pumpkin spiced everything, cinnamon sprinkled everything, and sweater covered everything.

Not to mention, fashion is at its all time high, the night skies are clear and the stars are begging to be looked at, and the events are beautiful; from bonfires, to camping, to all the holidays that are packaged to bring together families and friends.

I literally get so excited I can’t handle it.

I even have the urge to dress like an elf and wear Christmas colors and jewelry all winter long.

It’s slightly embarrassing. Oh well.

 





     

But, I really love this time of year because I really love the atmosphere change.

In my surrounding group of friends, we speak of “seasons” as in where you can be located spiritually in your walk with God, and sometimes Winter has a harsh connotation behind it, simply because well… it’s pretty cold and nothing bears fruit. 

(Except those random things that go unnoticed.)

But, what I realized is that the skies are clearer and the stars shine brighter than ever.

Sometimes the humidity clouds our perception of things.

We have all the moisture and “the high” of the spring/summer.

And then when it’s stripped away we have this dry and barren place in us that we have to keep sowing seeds for the next summer/spring. 

And if we’re not careful we’ll lose sight of the stars and look down and forget that they are there reminding us of Him. 

And in that place, sometimes it leaves us thinking that God has forgotten about us, but look:

 “Lift up your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one and calls forth each of them by name. Because of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing. “

Isaiah 40:26

Don’t be alarmed in the seasons that feel dry and barren, because that is the time that the stars come out to remind us that He who started a good work, is faithful to complete it.

p.s. Yes,  that is my roommate in a onesie. 
A leopard one.

Transitions

As some of you know, I’m in ministry school.

And to say the least, transitioning out of summer and moving back to the glorious state of Alabama, I’ve been extremely busy and have neglected my fashion blog.

My apologies.

But, our first day of school was today, and now I’m on a more stable schedule and will make time for this once again, so don’t stop visiting! 
I'll be back posting again in no time!

Deep Standards

 Fall in love with someone who will hold you to every standard you've ever set

 




 

I've been single for 4 years. 
Off and on cycles of "non-committed" relationships. 
The non-titled ones. Full of non-answers and avoidance. 
All my fault. 
I was scared and didn't ever want to attach myself to someone I wasn't fully convinced was mine.
Its kind of funny, how I always have known that when I know, I'll know that I know that I know.
But all while this time was passing, I've kissed boys. 
And it's easy to become numb doing something you've always done. 
Even when you regretted it or felt guilty afterwards.
But when stuck in a cycle of thinking and routine, it's easy to lose sight of the significance of something so intimate.
A little while ago one of my friends asked my mom for permission to pursue me.
While in this quest I had a really emotional moment. 
Or more like a meltdown with God. 
At first I was talking to God, or more like sobbing to God, just talking about how I was afraid of relationships and just kept going and going on how it was a fear and in the middle of my rant... God just stopped me and explained to my heart without words that it wasn't fear that was scaring me but it was this deep, beautiful, terrifying, peaceful, serious value and significance of a relationship that I had grown to have after 4 years of avoiding giving my heart to someone.
I had in my past been so abrupt and quick to jump into a relationship with someone that I forgot the value of relationships. 
And 4 years after being out of one and avoiding it, I've realized that I've grown to have this deep connection with God and His desire and input of my next relationship.
I have set some boundaries that I really felt like God has told me to set.
Ones that aren't "hard" to follow, but they're just frustrating when you've been okay with doing these things  for so long.
And after explaining my boundaries, God began to unfold to me that just as relationships are this important to me that I melt down when I feel threatened, He wants me to also feel that way with kissing, holding hands, and every other action of love.
All of those physical things that we overlook hold places in our spirits that words can't explain and minds can't comprehend.
And to step on those and see them as common... 

Is something I never want to do anymore.

I think we should step back and look at the standards and boundaries we have in our life and really ask God if we've overstepped where God is taking us or if we've moved out of emotions and flesh.
I think more often then not, we do.

I don't want to do that.
I want to savor these moments for someone who will be a piece of me for my entire life.
I want to lock things away that no one but that one person can ever experience.
I want to have emotions and feelings that only he can touch.
Places that only he can go.
Thoughts that only he has access to.

To be someone with depth.
That's my desire.