Tightened Grip

Knotted stomach, tears forming, attempting to tighten my grip to reach for security.

 

 

I’ve been praying some bold prayers lately.

Bold prayers like, 

“Lord expose my heart, search me and know me, try me and lead me in the right way. 

Make me hungry. 

Give me Your heart. 

Expose lies I’ve believed. 

Speak truth over me.”

Prayers that could be painful.

Prayers that could make you reevaluate the way you’ve thought for years.

But also, prayers that could heal you, make you whole, and make you like Jesus.

I’ve recently had the honor of meeting a very impactful person who is now a dear friend.

Her name is Rebekah.

She’s someone who I immediately wanted to know and be friends with.

She has this thing about her, where you know she loves Jesus and is indeed aware of His love for her.

Well, Rebekah and I have been hanging out and sharing our lives with one another the last 2 months of so.

She’s someone who can just kind of feel things out and knows deep down what’s going on.

Behind what you actually say, she sees what you’re REALLY saying.

And for me, this has been a game changer, because normally I’m the one who can dig into people’s hearts and find out what’s going on.

Well, she’s called me out on a few things.

And it hurt, kind of, but I knew it was absolutely what needed to be said.

Always recognize,

When something stands out to you more than normal—that it’s probably something the Lord has His hand on in your life and when He puts His hand on something—He’s also giving you the grace to deal with it and get healing in that area.

His hand on it is an invitation of seeing what He says about that specific area of your life. 

And for me, that thing was men.

It’s embarrassing.

It’s humiliating.

It really is.

But I really want healing in my heart. 

Especially in this place.

There is this sense of comfort I have when I have a guy friend.

A friend who I kind of dig but also don’t want to “commit” to.

The safe feeling of having someone who wants me.

Who is there to tell you how great you are.

Especially when you are really hard on yourself and see your imperfections way more than anything else, and need someone to reaffirm the things that you don’t believe about yourself.

I think I like having them because its like I have someone who really sees the gold in me and will tell me, who will constantly affirm me.

Especially when I don’t even really believe it myself.

And it’s easy, to have them close enough on a string that they think you’re great, but also far enough away that they don’t see who you really are, underneath the facet of "perfection".

Because for me, if someone ever gets close enough, that when they see me, and really see me, if they walk away…

For whatever reason, healthy or not, it feels like they are saying,

“I’m sorry but you’re not good enough,”

Now, I know that’s not what they may be saying, but for me, that’s definitely what I felt like.

Every. Single. Time.

It was this overwhelming lie I was entangled in.

I’m being super vulnerable.

And I know that there are girls and guys out there that play this game, too.

That really if they sat down for a few minutes in silence, asking the Lord to put His hand on things, that they would soon realize that they are using boys/girls to be their security, to reassure them that they are attractive, wanted, and really… worthy of love.

And that maybe they also have been in this same moment as me once, unsure of why their stomach was in knots, feeling uneasy, why they wanted to tighten their grip and force someone to stay.

I was having a conversation with a pretty new friend and I felt all of those emotions swell up in me, that at any moment that they were just going to walk away.

All of a sudden I felt extremely insecure and exposed.

I couldn't say anything.

I couldn't make them stay.

As if for the first time I was seeing how tight I hold on to people for security, for love, for affirmation that I’m good enough.

I had no idea that underneath my clinging grip was a girl just begging for someone to say, “You’re good enough. Alone. You. Without a man, without anyone. You wrapped up in Jesus. You are good enough. You are worthy of love. You are valued.”

I didn’t know that in the middle of my clinging I believed a lie “That if people stick around, if people still want me, if they still like me, that I’m good enough.”

That really, Jesus’s choosing me, hasn’t really quite convinced me I’m worthy and good enough.

So in my feeble attempt to feed that place, I’ve been reaching to men.

And Jesus is extending His hand to show me how worthy and valued I am.

Especially in my mess.

Especially in your mess.

He is reaching out, extending His hand, to reveal how He sees us and how deep our value is because of Him.

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. 

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. 

Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. 

My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them."

Psalms 139:13-16

Method Madness

 "… It’s important for us to journal, or to create, or give voice to the things that we’re even afraid to think about."

 

There are a couple heavy things I’ve had rolling around in my head for several months— internal conflicts on conversations, scripture meanings and actions that should follow.

Living in the world, we’re continuously faced with situations and circumstances that can be intimidating and confusing.

Whilst being a Christ follower and having conflicting beliefs from those around me, I’ve been pulled in several directions in my approach to really live for Jesus and not just “live life + for Jesus on Sunday or when He’s needed”.

It brought me back to a conversation I had once a couple years ago about appropriate times for approaching random strangers about Jesus.

I’ve heard so many different views; 

about how you should have been someone’s friend for *blank* amount of time and they should feel comfortable in conversation, 

I’ve heard that you should wait for a “sign” before approaching, 

and I’ve even seen those people who have giant picketing sign approaches to evangelism, 

but for some reason I just can’t say okay yes to that.

I’m not saying these are invalid or not amazing ways to reach people. 

Because I have done all three and those have been extremely successful in introducing people to Jesus.

I just have this overwhelming feeling that there is something missing, 

that maybe it’s not so much a formula as it is this vast relationship with Jesus 

where we don’t need strategies or step-by-step pamphlets on evangelism, 

where we don’t have to live in this shaky insecure place because we may not have an answer to give an unbeliever in our attempt to convince them that Jesus is real, 

or where we don’t have to have all knowledge in the gospel 

(not that that is a bad thing to have or desire)

 but because we are so leaned into the Father that when we approach someone, 

anyone, 

we can hear Him say exactly what they need to hear.

I think, no, I know, that sometimes when we/ I have approached people and wanted to share Jesus with step-by-step theories, 

I have failed. 

But, every time I have been steadily leaning in to Him, and tell someone what I hear, they have been radically changed because it wasn’t me or a theory they encountered, 

But an all-knowing Father who reaches in love and all while reaching in love, He speaks truth.

I’ve even been conflicted with the how to approach someone who is living in a lifestyle of sin. Tons of people say 

“in truth and love”,

 and some say the “friend evangelism” method, 

and some are over powering and end up being religious 

(in the nasty sense).

  And some say to let your life preach.

But I’ve always read the scripture that says, “How can they know unless you preach” or even the scripture that shakes up the friendship method, that says, “Now is the day of salvation”. 

Or what if you only see them one time, or what if they live far away and you can’t maintain relationship, or what if they die in a couple hours?

Christians, myself included, want to know why our approaches fail.

I’ve realized this week that it’s because we have ever so slowly faded away from our Fathers voice and been filled with noisy methods and theories that don’t work unless His voice fills them.

I don’t want to know how to convince someone his or her lifestyle is wrong and Jesus is right.

I want to look someone who is lost in the eye and tell them that Jesus heard them when they were in the car yesterday before work about their mom and he’s moving to heal her, 

or that mom who was in bed overwhelmed because her husband works a lot and she’s tired from having kids all day, that He sees her and is there to help her. 

Or the broken husband at the grocery store and tell Him that God see’s him before work when he’s reading and praying, and that God is moving to restore their marriage.

We don’t need methods, we need hearts overwhelmed by the love of the Father that hear when he speaks and says only what He says.

That’s what Jesus did. 

He only did what He saw His Father do, and He only said what He heard His Father say.