When its dark, look for the stars

Makenzie Hall: Testimony 

My story starts in the 8th grade when I dated this guy, he didn't want me having friends so I ended up pushing them all away. And when he broke up with me, I had no one. I didn't even know how to make friends, so I went through my 8th grade year and summer without anyone. I became really lonely. I hated everything about myself, my laugh, looks, weight, everything. Well, 10th grade year was the worst for myself. I found out, through a series of repeated nightmares that ended up being a suppressed memory; my preschool teacher molested me. I started putting in action everything I hated about myself. I guess that was like my final break and I went crazy. I started out just not eating to get skinny since I had a problem with my weight, which ended up leading to bulimia.  And when I would see my preschool teacher, I started having anxiety attacks, which would end up in me going to the hospital. So then I thought I had medical problems... And as if I couldn't hate anymore of me, I did. It made me feel like everyone else did, too. I started cutting and being suicidal because I couldn't take it. When my mom found out she made me start going to therapy and put me on depression pills. But, no one at school knew that I was dealing with all this and the decision to bring this woman to court or not. My parents wanted to, so bad actually. But, I could force myself to ruin her life even after everything it's caused me to be… Because I knew that her time would come. But until then I wanted her to be able to see the progress and me I hoped I would make eventually to be happy again. For her to see me happy would make my life. Well time passed, and then people at school started seeing my arms and stuff and saying I did it for attention. Everyone was scared of me, like I had a disease or something. They were saying my life was perfect because I had a loving family and a big house with money and all that... news flash, money doesn't buy happiness. Anyways, I started getting really bullied at school and losing people left and right due to my self-harming.

That lasted until November 16th of 2013.

I was going to commit suicide by overdosing.

I talked to a girl that came to do devotions for the cheerleaders at my school, just to thank her for trying… I ended up rededicating my life to Christ!

And a month later at Winter Ramp 2013 I heard God say 

"If you remain faithful to me, I will take all your scars away, one by one."

And as always, He spoke truth and I've had many disappear since.

I've just been so much happier knowing I don't have to live to please others and fit their standards. I'm filled with joy and I'm in such a better place with myself and others all because of one true encounter with Jesus.

    

Questions & Answers with Makenzie

What was the darkest moment you had?

The night I was about to commit suicide. I kept pacing back and forth contemplating if I was going to do it. I wasn't even crying, I was numb. I knew I was so far in because I wasn't even scared. I remember sitting down on my front porch and making a list of everyone I wanted to say goodbye to, and I don't remember having that "what are you doing" moment, I had already made my decision.

Did you know you were set free when you rededicated you life to God?

I definitely felt burdens lift. But it wasn't like "Oh I don't have to cut myself anymore, it was more like, "Mak, you don't need to cut anymore".

What do you do to stay away from falling back into cutting?

At the beginning, I struggled. But now, I'll sit and even though it's my flesh's first reaction to reach for that. I have thoughts that are like, "What are you doing?" I also speak life over myself. I write scriptures on my mirrors. I have physical and mental stop signs everywhere.

What did cutting do for you? What was your reason for doing it?

I wanted the hurt and brokenness I felt on the inside to match the outside. Like, the monster on the inside, to show on the outside.

What did you need, when all this was happening?

To feel something. Anything, really. I wasn't feeling joy or pain. Pain became a neutral feeling for me. It was never climactic. It was just constant sadness. I knew if i hurt myself I'd feel something. I just wanted someone to understand, to care rather than talk me out of it.

Did anyone notice/ask?

Because I was expected to be a happy, jolly, cheerleader girl, I painted on the face they wanted to see. The first person to notice was my cheerleading teacher. She told the some parents, and they didn't want their kids hanging out with a cutter. But, no one ever actually asked.

What would you tell your 8th grade self?

To never feed the negative thoughts.

If you could tell someone one thing, what would it be?

You're more than enough. 

Romans 5:8 

Mom

A lot of my friends call me “mom”.

 

 

A couple days ago I was reading through Hebrews 10, and I read this statement,

 “And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works, not staying away from our worship meetings, as some habitually do, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”

 What stood out to me was, “be concerned with one another”, but I wasn’t sure why.

So I went on with my day as normal.

This morning, I was on the phone with my mom, and I was sharing with her about this prayer meeting I went to last night, and how someone had mentioned that if you struggled with a sin issue, to find someone to hold you accountable, etc.

 I had begun to tell her about how when I was dealing with something, how no one that I asked to hold me accountable really cared. And a lot of the people, who I had told about it, were struggling themselves. And because of this, it just was kind of ignored as if it wasn’t happening, when it was.

In the middle of talking to her, the Holy Spirit reminded me of that scripture.

Be concerned with one another.

Be CONCERNED.

Now, I’m not talking about concerned as in to worry,

but in the biblical meaning of concern:

 1) to perceive, remark, observe, understand

 2) to consider attentively, fix one's eyes or mind upon

 To care for someone’s well being

 It clicked.

When I was always called “mom” with my friends, it was because I was concerned.

Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t always concerned.

But when one of my friends got a new boyfriend, came home late, or did things that made me feel weird, I was concerned.

 One of the Greek translations for concerned, is to be of irritation. I know sometimes we don’t like when people are concerned. Because sometimes it feels like they’re just trying to control us, and there are obviously cases where that’s true, too.

You should always be careful who you allow to speak into your life.

 But we all know that there are those people, who when they say something, we brush it off on the outside, but underneath it shakes us to our core because we know it’s true.

I think that’s why a lot of Christians still struggle with sin cycles.

One because of the lack of renewed minds, and two because of the lack of concern.

 Sometimes we are so concerned with our own lives that we forget to look around and be concerned with those around us.

 When we are concerned, we promote love and good works.

We can’t forget to be concerned.

Reach

"He reached down from on high and took hold of me; he drew me out of deep waters." 

Psalm 18:16

 

People are afraid that if they reach out, they won’t have someone reach back.

So instead of reaching out, we just end up looking at our hands and finding reasons of how unworthy of someone’s reach they are.

When in reality, none of us are worthy of being reached out to, yet somewhere in the middle of our disastrous choices, a man named Jesus stepped out of His Kingdom and became reachable for us.

The ironic part is, He reached out to us first.

He didn’t have to, but He did.

Not only did He, but He wanted to. 
He desired us.

And for us, to reach out to Him, we had no way to reach Him.

We were hopeless.

Our unworthiness of reach was dividing us from this great embrace.

But, He longed for our reach, and we were born to long for His.

And when He reached out to us, He made us worthy of reach.

So, we don’t have to look at our hands to find unworthiness any longer.

Now when we look at our hands, we see His scars that replaced our unworthiness and made us Holy and righteous.

And now all I have to do is realize how worthy of reach He is, and reach to Him.

And He reaches back. Every time.

I’m no longer scared to reach out to anyone else, because if they don’t reach back, I just look at my other hand that is held so tightly by someone who made me worthy of reach.

I’m no longer longing for a reach to validate my worth, but am fully aware of how worthy I am, but not because of me, but because of Him.

Jesus, thank You, for making me worthy.

To You is all the Glory, forever, and ever.

Amen. 

Standing on a choice

I used to be so walled up to being involved with people.

Until one day everything changed.

 

I had been getting over a relationship and suddenly, it all made sense.

For so long my mom had been telling me that love was a choice. It wasn’t just continuous sparks, and fuzzy warmth 24/7.

It was sacrificial. It was satisfying. 

It was hard. It was easy. It was selfless.

It was a choice.

It never made sense to me, especially sense I watched so many movies about people who have crazy passion for each other, with crazy romantic dates, and the pursuit that was so intriguing.

It caused me to believe that the moment in a relationship that sparks were gone, that it wasn’t meant to be. 

Now, obviously, you are led by the Holy Spirit's giving of peace. 

And the moment peace leaves. So do you.

I’ve barely skimmed the surface with knowledge of relationships concerning the opposite sex.

But, through this, I’ve learned that love is a choice. 

With everyone, not even just the opposite sex. 

With family, with friends, with everyone.

Not that you make after they’ve decided to love you.

Not after they’ve kissed you.

Not after they’ve bought you something nice.

Not after any of those things.

But before.

Before they choose you.

Before they reach out in vulnerability.

Before they show you their heart.

before anything.

If from the very beginning you chose to love them, no matter what they throw at you, you can stand boldly in love.

“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” 

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

That is true love.

When you make the choice to love, regardless.

Regardless of the circumstances.

When you make the choice to love, all of those attributes of love become attainable.

And then, when you choose to love, it is truly beautiful to be loved in return.