When its dark, look for the stars

Makenzie Hall: Testimony 

My story starts in the 8th grade when I dated this guy, he didn't want me having friends so I ended up pushing them all away. And when he broke up with me, I had no one. I didn't even know how to make friends, so I went through my 8th grade year and summer without anyone. I became really lonely. I hated everything about myself, my laugh, looks, weight, everything. Well, 10th grade year was the worst for myself. I found out, through a series of repeated nightmares that ended up being a suppressed memory; my preschool teacher molested me. I started putting in action everything I hated about myself. I guess that was like my final break and I went crazy. I started out just not eating to get skinny since I had a problem with my weight, which ended up leading to bulimia.  And when I would see my preschool teacher, I started having anxiety attacks, which would end up in me going to the hospital. So then I thought I had medical problems... And as if I couldn't hate anymore of me, I did. It made me feel like everyone else did, too. I started cutting and being suicidal because I couldn't take it. When my mom found out she made me start going to therapy and put me on depression pills. But, no one at school knew that I was dealing with all this and the decision to bring this woman to court or not. My parents wanted to, so bad actually. But, I could force myself to ruin her life even after everything it's caused me to be… Because I knew that her time would come. But until then I wanted her to be able to see the progress and me I hoped I would make eventually to be happy again. For her to see me happy would make my life. Well time passed, and then people at school started seeing my arms and stuff and saying I did it for attention. Everyone was scared of me, like I had a disease or something. They were saying my life was perfect because I had a loving family and a big house with money and all that... news flash, money doesn't buy happiness. Anyways, I started getting really bullied at school and losing people left and right due to my self-harming.

That lasted until November 16th of 2013.

I was going to commit suicide by overdosing.

I talked to a girl that came to do devotions for the cheerleaders at my school, just to thank her for trying… I ended up rededicating my life to Christ!

And a month later at Winter Ramp 2013 I heard God say 

"If you remain faithful to me, I will take all your scars away, one by one."

And as always, He spoke truth and I've had many disappear since.

I've just been so much happier knowing I don't have to live to please others and fit their standards. I'm filled with joy and I'm in such a better place with myself and others all because of one true encounter with Jesus.

    

Questions & Answers with Makenzie

What was the darkest moment you had?

The night I was about to commit suicide. I kept pacing back and forth contemplating if I was going to do it. I wasn't even crying, I was numb. I knew I was so far in because I wasn't even scared. I remember sitting down on my front porch and making a list of everyone I wanted to say goodbye to, and I don't remember having that "what are you doing" moment, I had already made my decision.

Did you know you were set free when you rededicated you life to God?

I definitely felt burdens lift. But it wasn't like "Oh I don't have to cut myself anymore, it was more like, "Mak, you don't need to cut anymore".

What do you do to stay away from falling back into cutting?

At the beginning, I struggled. But now, I'll sit and even though it's my flesh's first reaction to reach for that. I have thoughts that are like, "What are you doing?" I also speak life over myself. I write scriptures on my mirrors. I have physical and mental stop signs everywhere.

What did cutting do for you? What was your reason for doing it?

I wanted the hurt and brokenness I felt on the inside to match the outside. Like, the monster on the inside, to show on the outside.

What did you need, when all this was happening?

To feel something. Anything, really. I wasn't feeling joy or pain. Pain became a neutral feeling for me. It was never climactic. It was just constant sadness. I knew if i hurt myself I'd feel something. I just wanted someone to understand, to care rather than talk me out of it.

Did anyone notice/ask?

Because I was expected to be a happy, jolly, cheerleader girl, I painted on the face they wanted to see. The first person to notice was my cheerleading teacher. She told the some parents, and they didn't want their kids hanging out with a cutter. But, no one ever actually asked.

What would you tell your 8th grade self?

To never feed the negative thoughts.

If you could tell someone one thing, what would it be?

You're more than enough. 

Romans 5:8