Fight

As some of you all know, I’m an overcomer of food addiction.

And as those of you who have ever overcome something, you also know that sometimes it can sneak attack and try to overtake you again.

And you fight.

So, this weekend has been one of those. It’s been a fighting weekend.

It started on my way out of town on a trip to minister.

Isn’t it ironic how the moments we need to have clean pathways to hear the Lord the enemy comes to cloud and confuse? Not really.

It’s obvious. He isn’t sly.

Well. I was being attacked by this, and I stumbled a couple times, but I got back up and repented and then would have peace again.

But, throughout this whole weekend, I was praying and really seeking God for break through.

And Sunday morning, we have prayer at my church from 9-10 AM before the service starts, and I was on my way to prayer, and I was just talking to God while on my way and He said something that really opened my eyes.

He said, “I don’t tell you not to sin because it’s against what I say (although it is, and that should be enough), but because sin causes separation from Me.”

“Behold, the LORD'S hand is not so short that it cannot save; nor is His ear so dull that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden His face from you so that He does not hear.”

Isaiah 59:1-2

Now, “separation from God” as in… a cloudy lens to look through, a distance, a lack of awareness of His nearness… those type separations.

Not severed from Him completely.

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38-39

That’s just beautiful all by itself.

Yesterday I had a conversation with my friend Makenzie, and she was talking about someone she knows and how that person was sharing how they had felt like they were following a list of rules concerning following the Lord and Makenzie was telling me how she responded, and she said, 

“That’s not how it should be at all, we don’t not sin because we’re told not to, but because the idea of hurting the Fathers heart should hurt us.” 

And that’s so real, even to this whole situation.

To every cycle, every addiction, every desire or slant to want to sin; it shouldn’t be about the feeling obligated not to sin, but the desire to be so near to God that the idea of having the slightest distance, the slightest withdraw of His voice, the slightest pull from His nearness, that it should completely push us in the opposite direction of sin.

It’s like this phrase I heard once that I use to talk about sexual purity.

My thing isn’t how close to the line can I get without pushing my boundaries, but how far away from the line can I get.

I hear about people who can kiss and whatnot while dating and they are okay with that, and that’s totally fine if that’s what you feel is your conviction, but because of my past and my heart, I’d rather not kiss at all then maybe stumble into going further.

Why chance the distance? 

Why chance the numbness to His presence?

Because, let me tell you. 

If you have ever experienced His nearness, you would never want to experience His distance.

And if you’d ever heard His voice, you’d never want to chance His silence.

And if you’ve ever felt His love, you’d never want to numb that.

That good thing, that simply has no name, because it’s just that holy.

It is just that perfect.

When its dark, look for the stars

Makenzie Hall: Testimony 

My story starts in the 8th grade when I dated this guy, he didn't want me having friends so I ended up pushing them all away. And when he broke up with me, I had no one. I didn't even know how to make friends, so I went through my 8th grade year and summer without anyone. I became really lonely. I hated everything about myself, my laugh, looks, weight, everything. Well, 10th grade year was the worst for myself. I found out, through a series of repeated nightmares that ended up being a suppressed memory; my preschool teacher molested me. I started putting in action everything I hated about myself. I guess that was like my final break and I went crazy. I started out just not eating to get skinny since I had a problem with my weight, which ended up leading to bulimia.  And when I would see my preschool teacher, I started having anxiety attacks, which would end up in me going to the hospital. So then I thought I had medical problems... And as if I couldn't hate anymore of me, I did. It made me feel like everyone else did, too. I started cutting and being suicidal because I couldn't take it. When my mom found out she made me start going to therapy and put me on depression pills. But, no one at school knew that I was dealing with all this and the decision to bring this woman to court or not. My parents wanted to, so bad actually. But, I could force myself to ruin her life even after everything it's caused me to be… Because I knew that her time would come. But until then I wanted her to be able to see the progress and me I hoped I would make eventually to be happy again. For her to see me happy would make my life. Well time passed, and then people at school started seeing my arms and stuff and saying I did it for attention. Everyone was scared of me, like I had a disease or something. They were saying my life was perfect because I had a loving family and a big house with money and all that... news flash, money doesn't buy happiness. Anyways, I started getting really bullied at school and losing people left and right due to my self-harming.

That lasted until November 16th of 2013.

I was going to commit suicide by overdosing.

I talked to a girl that came to do devotions for the cheerleaders at my school, just to thank her for trying… I ended up rededicating my life to Christ!

And a month later at Winter Ramp 2013 I heard God say 

"If you remain faithful to me, I will take all your scars away, one by one."

And as always, He spoke truth and I've had many disappear since.

I've just been so much happier knowing I don't have to live to please others and fit their standards. I'm filled with joy and I'm in such a better place with myself and others all because of one true encounter with Jesus.

    

Questions & Answers with Makenzie

What was the darkest moment you had?

The night I was about to commit suicide. I kept pacing back and forth contemplating if I was going to do it. I wasn't even crying, I was numb. I knew I was so far in because I wasn't even scared. I remember sitting down on my front porch and making a list of everyone I wanted to say goodbye to, and I don't remember having that "what are you doing" moment, I had already made my decision.

Did you know you were set free when you rededicated you life to God?

I definitely felt burdens lift. But it wasn't like "Oh I don't have to cut myself anymore, it was more like, "Mak, you don't need to cut anymore".

What do you do to stay away from falling back into cutting?

At the beginning, I struggled. But now, I'll sit and even though it's my flesh's first reaction to reach for that. I have thoughts that are like, "What are you doing?" I also speak life over myself. I write scriptures on my mirrors. I have physical and mental stop signs everywhere.

What did cutting do for you? What was your reason for doing it?

I wanted the hurt and brokenness I felt on the inside to match the outside. Like, the monster on the inside, to show on the outside.

What did you need, when all this was happening?

To feel something. Anything, really. I wasn't feeling joy or pain. Pain became a neutral feeling for me. It was never climactic. It was just constant sadness. I knew if i hurt myself I'd feel something. I just wanted someone to understand, to care rather than talk me out of it.

Did anyone notice/ask?

Because I was expected to be a happy, jolly, cheerleader girl, I painted on the face they wanted to see. The first person to notice was my cheerleading teacher. She told the some parents, and they didn't want their kids hanging out with a cutter. But, no one ever actually asked.

What would you tell your 8th grade self?

To never feed the negative thoughts.

If you could tell someone one thing, what would it be?

You're more than enough. 

Romans 5:8 

Mom

A lot of my friends call me “mom”.

 

 

A couple days ago I was reading through Hebrews 10, and I read this statement,

 “And let us be concerned about one another in order to promote love and good works, not staying away from our worship meetings, as some habitually do, but encouraging each other, and all the more as you see the day drawing near.”

 What stood out to me was, “be concerned with one another”, but I wasn’t sure why.

So I went on with my day as normal.

This morning, I was on the phone with my mom, and I was sharing with her about this prayer meeting I went to last night, and how someone had mentioned that if you struggled with a sin issue, to find someone to hold you accountable, etc.

 I had begun to tell her about how when I was dealing with something, how no one that I asked to hold me accountable really cared. And a lot of the people, who I had told about it, were struggling themselves. And because of this, it just was kind of ignored as if it wasn’t happening, when it was.

In the middle of talking to her, the Holy Spirit reminded me of that scripture.

Be concerned with one another.

Be CONCERNED.

Now, I’m not talking about concerned as in to worry,

but in the biblical meaning of concern:

 1) to perceive, remark, observe, understand

 2) to consider attentively, fix one's eyes or mind upon

 To care for someone’s well being

 It clicked.

When I was always called “mom” with my friends, it was because I was concerned.

Now don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t always concerned.

But when one of my friends got a new boyfriend, came home late, or did things that made me feel weird, I was concerned.

 One of the Greek translations for concerned, is to be of irritation. I know sometimes we don’t like when people are concerned. Because sometimes it feels like they’re just trying to control us, and there are obviously cases where that’s true, too.

You should always be careful who you allow to speak into your life.

 But we all know that there are those people, who when they say something, we brush it off on the outside, but underneath it shakes us to our core because we know it’s true.

I think that’s why a lot of Christians still struggle with sin cycles.

One because of the lack of renewed minds, and two because of the lack of concern.

 Sometimes we are so concerned with our own lives that we forget to look around and be concerned with those around us.

 When we are concerned, we promote love and good works.

We can’t forget to be concerned.