Deliverer

“We pursue obedience to Christ, but our hope is not in our obedience.”

Jerry Bridges

My deliverer.

It was so dark, so, so dark. My thoughts were deafening, so much empty noise. From the sunrise to the next sunrise my thoughts wrapped their claws around my faith and decided to wage war with my freedom.

The war on my faith was waged. 

Whether from my own disfunction/past and addictive what-have-yous, or whatever your reasoning being, I was standing face to face with this giant.

Everything I hated, I did and everything I desired to do, I couldn’t. 

Self-control is a vital fruit of the Spirit that you take for granted until you feel it being attacked.

I had lost all confidence. 

Stripped down to a little girl trapped by an addiction I couldn’t get a grip on. 

I couldn’t conjure up enough self control to fight for freedom. 

But then something happened, I can’t even recall the date on when it happened, but it happened.

The One who reaches His hand into the darkest places of my being.. with the most gentle touch, He carried me. 

He reached into that place, and answered my pleas for deliverance.

I had read all of these blogs, listened to tons of sermons, went to every altar call, and got everyone I knew to pray.

But no one, no book, no song, no sermon, no thing could deliver me.   

And thats what this blog is about.

Its about the fact that you can sit in a church building all day and still be cold as a stone.

You can listen to every sermon you can get your hands on, and still be numb.

You can have therapy sessions with your girls day after day, but the plaguing darkness cannot be lifted until you have encountered the True Deliverer.

“He said: “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; 3 my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation. He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior— from violent people you save me.” 2 Samuel 23:2-3

He. Is. the. Deliverer.

To be delivered, you have to encounter the Deliverer. 

You cant sit in His presence and commune with Him and not feel the sweet conviction of Holy Spirit lay His hands on those things that stand in His place.

Those things that are holding you captive, those thoughts plaguing your mind, those lies binding you, those fears blinding you, those things lose their place when in His midst.

“Then he said to me, "This is what the LORD says to Zerubbabel: It is not by force nor by strength, but by my Spirit, says the LORD of Heaven's Armies.”

Zech. 4:6

My own arm was too short to reach for my deliverance, but His hand was not too short to deliver me. (Is. 59:1)

In the midst of my chaos, even today, He is the great deliverer. 

Job 38-39 has been the voice I hear. He is all-knowing. He is the deliverer. 

And He has come to deliver. 

Appearing harmless

“You missed it”

“You’re just receiving the consequences of your past”

“Your sins are finally catching up to you”

“You’ll never be taken care of.”

“You’re a failure and will never be able to face this”

“God’s punishing you for your decisions”

“Gods punishing you.”

“God doesn’t care what the outcome is.”

“Why would He step in, you did this to yourself.”

The war in your mind can be the heaviest battle you face.

From the flightiness of your flesh, to the up and down of emotions,

To the lies that sound scarily true, and the voices in your head that you aren’t sure whose they are.

Our minds are a daunting place without the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth.

I can’t imagine a day without His leading.

Even days with His leading… sometimes are still hard.

As a follower of Jesus, I have been raised in “truths”.

Truths that are: 

God loves me, that He wants the best for me, and that He is good.

And my entire life the battle has waged against those truths.

From the struggle of fitting in in grade school, the struggle of body image, the struggle of relationships and the rejection that follows, and then the struggle of honesty with myself has been a very weighty thing to carry.

I’m not sure if it’s just my personality or if other people also have the desire to have it all together. All I know is it is a very heavy thing to face with someone, let alone by yourself.

I am absolutely not the best at relationships, romantic and platonic.

But, I am good at being self-aware.

Even if it takes me kicking, screaming, and denying it along the way to get to truth.

I am good at minimizing real issues, casting blame, and playing it off when I’m rejected as not caring and/or like it wasn’t my fault.

It’s a scary thing to not know that you can shut down and be cold without being aware that you’re even doing it.

When I write, sometimes it’s all at once and sometimes it takes days or weeks to put into words what I’m thinking/going through.

This blog, I wrote part of it and had to step away and a couple days later at a small group someone made a statement that was one of these exact questions I put at the beginning of this blog, just with different wording.

It was “why me?”

And instantly after having a small snippet of how that was just the enemy assaulting God to me earlier in the week, I saw it happening to a friend of mine too.

It boiled in me. I was so angry. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen without even knowing the words to express how I felt.

Sometimes I can be off, way off. And just mean, honestly.

No love or sympathy at all.

I don’t mean to be, but in this moment I was angry. I didn’t understand until that night after group when I began to file out what was going on internally.

I wasn’t mad at her.

But at the fact that the enemy was lying to her.

And it wasn’t just that, but he was challenging her belief of Gods character and deceiving her. He was distracting her from truth with a lie.

As much as saying, “Why me” appears innocent and like the focal point is "me", it’s really a twisted belief that says, “God is a punisher and is more concerned to harm me than to fight for me.”

Not that consequences aren’t a real thing that we face naturally, spiritually, and even physically. And that consequences happen because of our decisions/choices. But the mentality of defeat isn’t legal in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The mentality of shame, guilt, and defeat isn’t for believers.

Jesus swallowed up shame, guilt, and defeat Himself on the cross.

You ARE accepted by God the Father

Romans 8:15 in the Passion Translation says, “And you did not receive the “spirit of religious duty”, leading you back into the fear of never being good enough.

But YOU have received the “Spirit of full acceptance,” enfolding you into the family of God. And you will NEVER feel orphaned, for as he rises up within us, our spirits join him in saying the words of tender affection, “Beloved Father!”.

Condemnation is NOT for His children.

Romans 8:1 PT “So now the case is close. There remain NO accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in life-union with Jesus, the Anointed One”

I can’t imagine being separated from Jesus in everyday life.

Meeting everyday with people at work.

People whom I have amazing conversations with and get to sit and peer into a small piece of their lives. They share their love life, their heartaches, their dreams, their jobs, their kids, and sometimes even their struggles.

And vice versa.

I cannot imagine carrying the weight of the world without Jesus to lay my thoughts and burdens on.

Its heavy enough in moments where we forget and think “why me?”

But I’m sweetly reminded by Holy Spirit a few minutes later that He is good, always wants the best for me, and is truly a loving Father.

God loves you more than you can imagine.

Romans 5:8 “God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Bait

"grateful for small things, big things, and everything in between"

It's easy, to not be aware of the things that you do when you feel like you're missing something. 

Sometimes we use being artsy, being trendy, having a cool haircut, or just being really smart and loving Jesus. We use our jobs, our talents, even manipulation. We don't even know all the things that we use as bait to get someone to notice us or to stay. 

We do anything to keep the conversation going, to keep the interest level peaked. 

Because if it goes down, and the conversation fizzles, it's a reflection of how "I'm" not good enough. 

Nothing about the Lord, nothing about timing, nothing about sometimes some people don't like the same stuff and it's okay. 

Why do we attach "assumed" rejection to ourselves while we can't even grasp the compliments we've been given fully. 

We shrug off compliments as if they didn't happen and we receive rejection with open arms.

Not to say that everyone throws out bait. I have a friend who said she wouldn't have even thought she had any bait worth throwing. 

It's crazy. She doesn't even throw Bait because she doesn't think her bait is worth it. 

While if I throw out what I think is good bait and it gets rejected, what I thought was good is now not good enough. 

Jesus used fishing a lot in parables, and some of his best friends were fishermen. 

I don't find it surprising that he decided to use a fishing term when challenging some of my ways.

Peter was trying to fish when Jesus told him to throw his nets to the other side.

All the time... it's timing, Jesus's will, Jesus's idea, His preference which bring His increase or His blessings.

When He says let down your nets, He brings the fish. So much so, you need another net. More than you bargained for.

His principles bring His blessing. 

 Just recently, the Lord has revealed to myself that I use a lot of things for bait. I use things, because I don't know that I'm worth it without trying to cast out my line and hope to catch something. Anything.

This isn't a pity me blog.

This is real life.

We do it everyday.

We sell ourselves because we don't know that we're bought. 

Purchased. 

And everything we need is in His reach. His hand. At His command the fish come jumping into the net.

Pretty ironic that the saying is "plenty of fish in the sea".

There really is.

Don't be discouraged that your not catching anything all night, peter, Jesus is coming. His timing is perfect. And he brings more than you can catch in one net. 

You're not less than.

You're important. And everyone's casting of the net isn't at the same time. 

Receive w open arms the season of empty nets. 

And bless the seasons of others who have full nets.

Be all in wherever you are.

Some days you're asking Jesus to tell you to come out on the water.

And some days you're mending your nets. 

Some days you're pulling money out of those fishes mouths.

And some days you're asking God to multiply the fish to feed those who come to hear about Jesus.