Appearing harmless

“You missed it”

“You’re just receiving the consequences of your past”

“Your sins are finally catching up to you”

“You’ll never be taken care of.”

“You’re a failure and will never be able to face this”

“God’s punishing you for your decisions”

“Gods punishing you.”

“God doesn’t care what the outcome is.”

“Why would He step in, you did this to yourself.”

The war in your mind can be the heaviest battle you face.

From the flightiness of your flesh, to the up and down of emotions,

To the lies that sound scarily true, and the voices in your head that you aren’t sure whose they are.

Our minds are a daunting place without the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth.

I can’t imagine a day without His leading.

Even days with His leading… sometimes are still hard.

As a follower of Jesus, I have been raised in “truths”.

Truths that are: 

God loves me, that He wants the best for me, and that He is good.

And my entire life the battle has waged against those truths.

From the struggle of fitting in in grade school, the struggle of body image, the struggle of relationships and the rejection that follows, and then the struggle of honesty with myself has been a very weighty thing to carry.

I’m not sure if it’s just my personality or if other people also have the desire to have it all together. All I know is it is a very heavy thing to face with someone, let alone by yourself.

I am absolutely not the best at relationships, romantic and platonic.

But, I am good at being self-aware.

Even if it takes me kicking, screaming, and denying it along the way to get to truth.

I am good at minimizing real issues, casting blame, and playing it off when I’m rejected as not caring and/or like it wasn’t my fault.

It’s a scary thing to not know that you can shut down and be cold without being aware that you’re even doing it.

When I write, sometimes it’s all at once and sometimes it takes days or weeks to put into words what I’m thinking/going through.

This blog, I wrote part of it and had to step away and a couple days later at a small group someone made a statement that was one of these exact questions I put at the beginning of this blog, just with different wording.

It was “why me?”

And instantly after having a small snippet of how that was just the enemy assaulting God to me earlier in the week, I saw it happening to a friend of mine too.

It boiled in me. I was so angry. I couldn’t believe what I had just seen without even knowing the words to express how I felt.

Sometimes I can be off, way off. And just mean, honestly.

No love or sympathy at all.

I don’t mean to be, but in this moment I was angry. I didn’t understand until that night after group when I began to file out what was going on internally.

I wasn’t mad at her.

But at the fact that the enemy was lying to her.

And it wasn’t just that, but he was challenging her belief of Gods character and deceiving her. He was distracting her from truth with a lie.

As much as saying, “Why me” appears innocent and like the focal point is "me", it’s really a twisted belief that says, “God is a punisher and is more concerned to harm me than to fight for me.”

Not that consequences aren’t a real thing that we face naturally, spiritually, and even physically. And that consequences happen because of our decisions/choices. But the mentality of defeat isn’t legal in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The mentality of shame, guilt, and defeat isn’t for believers.

Jesus swallowed up shame, guilt, and defeat Himself on the cross.

You ARE accepted by God the Father

Romans 8:15 in the Passion Translation says, “And you did not receive the “spirit of religious duty”, leading you back into the fear of never being good enough.

But YOU have received the “Spirit of full acceptance,” enfolding you into the family of God. And you will NEVER feel orphaned, for as he rises up within us, our spirits join him in saying the words of tender affection, “Beloved Father!”.

Condemnation is NOT for His children.

Romans 8:1 PT “So now the case is close. There remain NO accusing voice of condemnation against those who are joined in life-union with Jesus, the Anointed One”

I can’t imagine being separated from Jesus in everyday life.

Meeting everyday with people at work.

People whom I have amazing conversations with and get to sit and peer into a small piece of their lives. They share their love life, their heartaches, their dreams, their jobs, their kids, and sometimes even their struggles.

And vice versa.

I cannot imagine carrying the weight of the world without Jesus to lay my thoughts and burdens on.

Its heavy enough in moments where we forget and think “why me?”

But I’m sweetly reminded by Holy Spirit a few minutes later that He is good, always wants the best for me, and is truly a loving Father.

God loves you more than you can imagine.

Romans 5:8 “God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Bait

"grateful for small things, big things, and everything in between"

It's easy, to not be aware of the things that you do when you feel like you're missing something. 

Sometimes we use being artsy, being trendy, having a cool haircut, or just being really smart and loving Jesus. We use our jobs, our talents, even manipulation. We don't even know all the things that we use as bait to get someone to notice us or to stay. 

We do anything to keep the conversation going, to keep the interest level peaked. 

Because if it goes down, and the conversation fizzles, it's a reflection of how "I'm" not good enough. 

Nothing about the Lord, nothing about timing, nothing about sometimes some people don't like the same stuff and it's okay. 

Why do we attach "assumed" rejection to ourselves while we can't even grasp the compliments we've been given fully. 

We shrug off compliments as if they didn't happen and we receive rejection with open arms.

Not to say that everyone throws out bait. I have a friend who said she wouldn't have even thought she had any bait worth throwing. 

It's crazy. She doesn't even throw Bait because she doesn't think her bait is worth it. 

While if I throw out what I think is good bait and it gets rejected, what I thought was good is now not good enough. 

Jesus used fishing a lot in parables, and some of his best friends were fishermen. 

I don't find it surprising that he decided to use a fishing term when challenging some of my ways.

Peter was trying to fish when Jesus told him to throw his nets to the other side.

All the time... it's timing, Jesus's will, Jesus's idea, His preference which bring His increase or His blessings.

When He says let down your nets, He brings the fish. So much so, you need another net. More than you bargained for.

His principles bring His blessing. 

 Just recently, the Lord has revealed to myself that I use a lot of things for bait. I use things, because I don't know that I'm worth it without trying to cast out my line and hope to catch something. Anything.

This isn't a pity me blog.

This is real life.

We do it everyday.

We sell ourselves because we don't know that we're bought. 

Purchased. 

And everything we need is in His reach. His hand. At His command the fish come jumping into the net.

Pretty ironic that the saying is "plenty of fish in the sea".

There really is.

Don't be discouraged that your not catching anything all night, peter, Jesus is coming. His timing is perfect. And he brings more than you can catch in one net. 

You're not less than.

You're important. And everyone's casting of the net isn't at the same time. 

Receive w open arms the season of empty nets. 

And bless the seasons of others who have full nets.

Be all in wherever you are.

Some days you're asking Jesus to tell you to come out on the water.

And some days you're mending your nets. 

Some days you're pulling money out of those fishes mouths.

And some days you're asking God to multiply the fish to feed those who come to hear about Jesus. 

Cross the Line

"The only thing one can usually change in one's situation is oneself. And yet one can't change that either--only ask Our Lord to do so."

 

 

Today is April 15th, 2017 and tomorrow is Easter.

Crazy thing is, on the 27^th this month; it will have been 5 years since I fully gave my life to Jesus. 

Since I was a little tot I had known of Jesus, and was taught to love Him.

Raised in church, conferences, all the “requirements” that make us appear as Christians.

But, I was still pulled in many directions, like most people.

Distracted, not aware, apathetic to a lot.

In school, dating boys, hanging out with lots of people who were a lot like I was…

Pulled by popularity, drama, relationships, insecurities, and family problems.

Lots of junk.

I had spent a lot of time watching people who were at church conferences who seemed to have some insight I didn’t have yet.

They cried when they prayed and they talked with passion about this man Jesus, who I’d heard a lot about.

I’d heard about Him in Sunday school. I’d heard His named cursed in movies, and I’d seen pictures of Him at  random places.

I knew of Him, but they seemed to have met Him.

I was pulled by wanting to know this man and being distracted by the other things going on in my life for a long time.

I’d been going to conferences since I was 11.

On April 27^th 2012, at 18 years old, I was at a conference and for the first time in my life I encountered someone that was worth walking away from the distractions to fully follow.

My “Cross the line” moment.  im,Hi

How I imagine the disciples, looking up at this Man who says, “Follow Me”.

And without hesitation, they drop their plans, dreams, all the distractions, and follow Him.

They saw something/someone worth following.

And today, the Saturday before Easter, I woke up and helped my mom cook some and then headed to a store to go shopping, only to be half way out of my neighborhood to feel Him tug on my heart.

This tug, I recognized.

Not because its common, but because I’ve felt it a few times.

This tug is a “come away with Me” tug.

It’s a “find the secret place and sit with Me” tug.

An “I miss you” tug.

And I turned around and drove straight back to my house, walked to my room and He was there.

His presence, His love, His overwhelming attendance.

He was there.

Faithful, loving, Kind, Holy, Revered, but most importantly, present.

Jesus, Emmanuel, “God with us”, was/is here.

He is here, as I type this out with hot tears streaming down my face.

Almost 5 years later.

And the same Man I encountered on that hard floor at that conference is still the same Man today that pursues me without any reservations.

I am so thankful for Him.

He desires me, and just like me, He desires you.

I didn’t know how to meet Him the way those kids at conference did.

And I’m positive it’s different for every person.

But He sure did know how to meet me.

And I know He knows how to meet you.

Don’t be surprised when He comes knocking.

Happy Easter, Jesus.

We won’t forget what You did to have unveiled tugs whenever You want.

I love You.