Have you ever thought you had arrived at the peak of something, only to realize a short period later, you hadn't even scraped the surface? That everything you thought about the way something was... was only the beginning.
That's what happened to me one month ago.
It all started when I was told by a friend to listen to a sermon from Casey Doss (the pastor at The Ramp) titled "Jesus loves me".
She summarized and told me a couple things about it and I knew it was going to be a good sermon.
Casey always preaches identity, and I knew going in I was going to need to prepare myself. Tissues. Water proof mascara. All those things.
Well, I listened to it while I was getting dressed one Sunday before church.
It was good. Very good.
He talked about the differences in Peter and John, in their relationship with Jesus.
Peter’s identity was founded in how much he loved Jesus.
While John's identity was in how deeply Jesus loved him.
That alone blew my mind.
My whole life has been wrapped up in how much I burned for Jesus.
The way I listened to sermons, music, conversations, and even the way people live have been filtered through MY burning for Jesus. My actions.
For years I have been striving to make sure I was burning for Jesus, make sure I read enough or prayed enough.
John’s identity was wrapped up in Jesus's love for him.
Everything he wrote, in the gospel of John, was signed, "the disciple whom Jesus loved". Everything was about Jesus's love for him.
His identity, his name, was intertwined in Jesus's love for him.
And at the end of Jesus’s life, John was the only disciple at the cross.
And Jesus gave His own mother over to John, to care for her.
That is what abiding in His love does; it keeps you until the end.
(Selah)
At the end of the sermon, Casey challenged the congregation for a week to remind themselves when they remembered, that Jesus loved them.
To just keep reminding themselves "Jesus loves me" whenever it crossed their mind.
So I decided to take on the challenge for myself.
I knew Jesus loved me, in my mind I knew it because, well, I'd been told that my entire life at church.
But really. Underneath it all. I hadn't spent much time meditating on it.
Actually, if I was honest, I probably thought about it the first few seconds someone's said it and then it quickly vanished from my thoughts only to be replaced with other mediocre thought about something that didn't matter.
So the challenge began.
I would think about it a lot.
All through out the day.
Between clients, before bed, as soon as I woke up, brushing my teeth, getting dressed.
All the time.
And I realized by the third day a lot had changed in my heart.
For someone who is a perfectionist and who likes to have control, my relationship with the Lord was very hard.
Exhausting. Never good enough. Never praying, reading, or “doing” enough.
Never really being sure that He accepted me or that I had done enough.
I lived in fear that I wasn’t ever pleasing Him.
That I was barely doing enough to “get in”.
And don’t get me wrong, even in this unsure state, I still loved Him and wanted to make Him a proud Father.
I didn’t’ outwardly tell anyone that I saw it this way.
Because, I didn’t even know that I was striving.
I mean, I just thought that was Christianity.
I thought that I had arrived and Christianity was just like that.
I thought I was in grace.
I didn’t know I was working to achieve His acceptance.
I knew that in Jesus, I already had that.
I had been taught that, but my actions, were far from that.
If I was honest, I could say that I saw Father God as an up & down, emotional Father who was sad or angry towards me if I woke up and reacted wrongly.
Or was happy when I did good things.
If I woke up and yelled at my mom, I just knew He was mad and that I hadn’t prayed enough when I woke up. I knew that if I didn’t wake up early enough or stay up enough to read and pray for the nations that I wasn’t making Him proud.
It was hard.
But I wanted to make Him proud, because I love Him.
Because He is everything to me.
But three days into this challenge, those thoughts began to crumble.
Those foundations I had spent way to long building, began to fall.
I couldn’t even pray like I use to.
I didn’t know how to pray. I didn’t know what to say.
Everything I’d try to pray, I realized had been in striving, and I would start to open my mouth and pray, and would immediately feel Him stop me.
I spent the first week in shock that He loved me.
Before I prayed.
Before I read.
Before I desired Him.
Before I did ANYTHING.
He loved me.
Before I worshipped Him.
Before I gave Him thanks.
Before I did ANYTHING.
He loved me.
And more than that He DELIGHTS in me.
He wants me.
He desires me.
He longs to spend time with me.
No striving could capture Him more than He was already captured.
He is ravished by me.
And He just keeps reminding me,
Remain in My love.
Abide in My love.
Be in My love.
He loves me.
I’m finally starting to believe it.
And out of those three words, my whole world flipped upside down.
It’s crazy.
We don’t realize that we’re in striving until we meet abiding.
I just wanted to share this because it has been the most delightful journey I have yet to take my first few steps in.
And to ask you, are you abiding or are you striving?
He delights in you.
He loves you.
Right where you are.
And that alone, is enough to transform any heart.
