Confidence

Cast not away your confidence, for with it is great reward.

Photography by Abigail Williams

Mrs. Karen Wheaton has this saying,
“You never know what’s hidden behind your ‘yes’ and you never know what’s lost behind your ‘no’.”

That statement rings in my ears all the time now,

But a few days ago more than normal.

My friend Makenzie and I were at Chili’s on our long overdue girls day.

As I was eating my lunch, our waitress walked by and filled up my water and I just started talking to her and telling her that she was amazing because she was so friendly and intentional with serving us and she laughed, thanked us and mentioned something about her hand (which was broken and in a cast) and casually proceeded to walk away.

Once she was out of sight I looked at Makenzie and was said, “You thinking what I’m thinking?”

And Mak while laughing says, “Healing?”

And I respond back, “YES!”

She then passes us going to another table and I ask if we can pray with her when she gets a chance, and she says, “Yes, I need prayer for my hand!”

We end up praying for her hand, and she moved her fingers that she couldn’t move before, but still had a cast on and had an appointment that week with the doctor to see if she needed to have surgery on it.

But, on the ride home I couldn’t shake the feeling I had looking down at my meal (since I’m an overcomer of food addiction) and then up at our waitress as she talked about her hand.

It’s crazy how we allow such seemingly small weights to hold us back.

And not only hold us back, but hold back those around us who are waiting for break through.

It’s like Hebrews says in chapter 12,

“Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne.”

I don’t ever want to overlook someone because of my own selfish weights that I refuse to put down.

Had I been bound with condemnation and fear of that issue, I don’t think I would have looked up and seen her nor felt the confidence to approach her and know that my best friend, the Lord Jesus Christ, would heal her.

Friends, the only way I’ve found freedom is by running the race before me with my eyes meeting Jesus’s.  

And He truly is the only source of my freedom.

He is the only source of all freedom.

He’s the best friend I’ve ever had.

Identity Crisis

Who are you really? 

A couple weeks ago I really felt the pull to change majors in the school I’m in.

I had been in Pastoral Leadership and felt the tug to transfer to Performing Arts. 

It was a very intense transition, to say the least.

When I was younger my mom sang this song that has to this day impacted me, it went like this,

“Worship the Lord with your dance, girl. Worship the Lord with your dance.

For He is Holy and worthy to be praised”.

And ever since I started ministry school last year I wanted to do performing arts but knew I had to do Pastoral Leadership, so I went all my first year doing Pastoral Leadership and I was going to do Performing Arts my second year... until this summer when I was asked to be on a ministry team that dances. And I just assumed that all my dancing would be outletted there.

Little did I know that God has something different up His sleeve.

This transition was terrifying.

First of all, I haven’t danced since I was like 10 or 11.

Not with technique anyways.

Not to mention, ballet, was not my forte.

In fact, it was the only genre of dance I couldn't stand dancing to.

I end up switching to Performing Arts.

Standing there, 2 weeks late, in the middle of this perfectly technique-filled choreographed dance...  ballet dance.

I realized I was thrown in with the wolves.

Thrown in the middle of this class, with no skill, two weeks late, and not to mention, I’m a perfectionist. 

I want to know which foot goes where, and when it goes. And maybe even WHY it goes.

My teacher, the most beautiful, free-spirited, quick teacher. Personality type SANGUIN/CHLORIC. Fully.

Me, perfect blend of Chloric/melancholy, aka perfectionist, order, structure, introvert.

= Mental explosion.

1 week goes by and I feel the tension of being lost, not knowing ballet, and slightly freaking out.

Class ends and my teacher, Lindsey, is sitting being so energetic and beautiful teasing with another student, and I walk off stage and she runs up to me being silly and I break down.

LITERALLY. IN TEARS.

And she looks at me and says in the sweetest mommy voice, 

“Ronna. Did you do your best? (Yes ma’am) Then that’s all I want. You’ve never done ballet. And this isn’t easy ballet. It’s okay. Breathe. And if you need, I’ll meet with you individually. It's completely okay.”

And the pressure completely rolled off my back.

So I go home, and tell my roommate what happened.

She looks at me and says, “It reminds me of what you read me last year. The scripture on not comparing yourself.”

Because the girls I’m dancing with, are incredibly flawless ballerinas.

Fast forward about 2 hours.

I’m upstairs in my room, praying, talking to God and I say,

 “God, why do I want to be perfect all the time? What is this about? Why do I get frustrated when trying to learn?”

His response, 

“Because it’s about you being seen.”

My heart felt like it stopped.

I couldn’t believe (but really, I could) how I could be so concerned with myself.

And He goes on to say,

“How would you dance if it was just me and you in the world? How would you dress? How would you do your makeup? How would WE talk? What would it be like if you had no ones quiet time to compare yours to? No one else’s “end product” to determine how you start? What would that be like?”

I began to think about it and an explosion of answers.

“It’d be fearless. We’d talk all the time. I’d dress outlandish. I’d be so free.”

He responds, “That’s who you really are.”

That is my question for you;

What would YOU be like, if "you" had no restrictions? 

Risk

Risk.

Such a terrifyingly beautiful thing.

I’ve spent a great amount of time analyzing my relationships, my issues, my faults, my wrongs, my assumptions, and my reactions.

And I’ve still yet to scratch the surface of relationships.

They are so vast and beautiful, so complex yet so simple.

 A few days ago in Morning Prayer, my class and I were told to write down 5 things that we desired more than anything, and to declare and pray for those things.

One of the things I wrote down was that mindsets of relationships (all, not just opposite sex ones) would be broken down and that I would have clarity and revelation on them.

So, I prayed for that, truly believing that God would answer.

Well, as the day continued on I was constantly thinking of this prayer and God was constantly speaking to me concerning relationships, and even to the point where I had to write down things in my Notes on my phone so I wouldn’t forget.

The next day came, and I began to have feelings I had felt 4 years ago when I was in a horrible relationship—feelings of rejection, lack of control, and feelings of being weak.

God began to tell me that I couldn’t respond to new people the way I would have to past people, because everyone has different motives and intentions.

I’ve learned that in this dating world we all play this game in relationships; we have the girls who won’t text a guy first, or we wait for however long before we respond and so on.

But that’s not a realistic relationship; it’s putting up this image of your self that isn’t true.

I’m not saying that all girls should go and pursue the man, because I definitely think the man should pursue the lady.

But, I also don’t think you should play so hard to get, that who YOU ARE gets lost and you start pretending to be someone who you really aren’t.

Communicate.

Be vulnerable.

Be yourself.

It’s scary, yes. But love is so worth it.

It’s the only thing actually worth it.

Love.

What if it turns out good and works out?

And don’t even forget, that the things you learn from the experience are worth every ounce of fear that you face.

Even if you get rejected, the growth you experience is worth it.

Now, obviously, remember to guard your heart (Proverbs 4:23), and remember not to awaken love until it is ready (Song of Solomon 2:7).

But, also don’t react simply from the fear of the past that you freeze something with great potential.

God is so good.

He began to expose the fear in my heart of letting someone close, simply because I was assuming they were like someone I was hurt by.

We have to know that everyone is different and love is risky.

It’s beautiful.

Jesus risked it with us.

We should do the same.